aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Advertisement
Ratings
Views
Advertisement

https://cse.google.com/cse?cx=partner-pub-5979279073729308:6322037307&q=amazon%20prime&oq=amazon%20prime&gs_l=partner-generic.12…3617.10500.0.12919.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0..0.0.gsnos%2Cn%3D13…0.6897j4960753j12..1ac.1.25.partner-generic..0.0.0.

 

Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral

1.Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was a Viking S&M session

2.Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.

4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.

6.Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.

7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.

8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased….. PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.

13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15.Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.

16.Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man cheers, “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues,”Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Glorious history of killing North American tribes.
2. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
3. Warm beer.
4. Punctuality.
5. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
6. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
7. Union jack underpants.
8. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
9. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
10. Ditto changing underwear.
11. Beats being Welsh.
12. Or Scottish.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

You and your mother so poor.

You and Your mother are so poor, you share the same rags.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Pulled Over

A cop pulls over a car that’s been swerving across the lanes of a road.”Get out of the car, please.” “But I’m not drunk, officer!” “Listen, it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or not. If you don’t get out of this car, I’ll arrest you anyway.” “Fine,” says the man and gets out of the car.”Okay, now walk this yellow line.” The man looks at the line.”Which one of them do I walk on?”

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that!”

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

West Virginia Jokes

– A West Virginia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-77. He
says to the driver “Got any ID?” the driver says, “Bout what?”

– Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

– Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Charleston, WV
burned down? Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park.

– What’s the best thing to come out of West Virginia? I-64.

– Why don’t W.V.U. football teams have ice on the sidelines? The
guy with the recipe graduated.

– How many W.V.U. freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None, its a second year course.

– How do you get a W.V.U. graduate off of your porch? Pay him
for the Pizza.

– The W.V.U. football team was placed in a remedial English
class. The professor asked the class, “Does anyone know what
comes after a sentence?” All of the players raised their hands.
“The appeal,” they shouted with Mountaineer pride.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

The Dreams

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that ” I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn’t sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

The History of 2 + 2

The History of 2 + 2 = 5 by Houston Euler “First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.” — Jacques Futrelle, “The Problem of Cell 13″Most mathematicians are familiar with — or have at least seen references in the literature to — the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof’s nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood’s method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid’s “Elements,” and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, “2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4.” Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname “Blockhead.” By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, “I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does.” However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, “Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to — the right-hand side of this equation.” That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.But in the early to middle 1800’s, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe’s proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled “Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?”Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his “Begriffsschrift.” This condensation, entitled “Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift),” contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in “Grundbeefen der Mathematik” Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.From: “Matt Westwood” Footnote from Matt Westwood in the 21st century: It’s got to be pointed out that 2.4 + 2.4 = 4.8 so rounding to the nearest integer, 2+2=5.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Yogi Bear

Q.Why is there only one Yogi Bear?

A. Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Your mommas glass

your mommas glasses are so thick when she looks on a map she can see people waving

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Your mama so fat

your mama so fat the last time she seen 91210 was on the scale

Rate This Post :
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Advertisement
Advertisement