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Bad News Mom

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

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Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”

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A General Physical

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions — age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

‘Oh,’ he mused, ‘It was 1945.’

‘Isn’t that a long time to go without sex?’ the doctor asked.

‘I don’t think so. According to your clock it’s only 21:13’

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Doc Smith Mathematic

I always love the “Doc Smith” approach to mathematics, where Our Hero glances at an equation (sorry, “formula”), and instantly says “of course…!”My experience is usually more like “I don’t know what on earth that means” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”Oh, yes, but what a weird way of writing it” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”now *this* should be a much clearer way” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”oh, it’s identical to what I started with. But *now* I understand it.” I can’t *read* maths, I can only write it :-)A colleague of mine put it better: “mathematics is not a spectator sport”.

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Condition

Condition that enables a woman
who has gone through labor to make love again.

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Wondering eye

A Man with a wondering eye told his girlfriend that they need to see other people.
She asked why?
He said, because we dont see eye to eye.

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A BBS Commandment

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

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How the Internet Began

Historical Interpetation on how the computer and the Internet
began.

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a
stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader
by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by
the name of Dot.”

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of
leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel
far, from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade
without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How,Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums
in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and
they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the
sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony
Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. A

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without
ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum,
and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the
greedy horse fly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of
Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if
you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being
taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what
we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators.” “Whoopee!”, said Abraham. “No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com.
. . and that is how it all began.

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Lorena Bobit

The day of the incident with Lorena Bobit if you recall when she
cut the penis of her husband. Well that same day when she cut it
off she held the penis on her left hand for most of the day.
Being so histerical she did not know she had it in her hand.

When she drives of away from the scene she is driving normally
with her right hand, still not noticing the penis on her left
hand. As she is driving she gets on the freeway. She gets kinda
hot and she decides to roll the window down. When all of a
sudden she notices the penis she screams as loud as she can and
rolls the window down as quickly as she can. While doing this
she throws the penis out the window as far as she can. On the
oncoming traffic there is a big semi truck going really fast and
the penis smears against the windshield. The truckers passanger
surprised asks the driver “Hey did you see the size of the dick
on that fly?”

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Winners On Display

A NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro
driver Alan Kulwicki’s race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said
Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison’s car. Once again he
inquired to St. Peter about it. “Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God’s
a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display.”

Walking further, the individual came upon Dale Earnhardt’s car – a seasoned
veteran of the sport. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! “Oh, No!
St. Peter – Dale Earnhardt is about to win the Championship this year, and you
mean to tell me he has just died?!?

“No, no,” St. Peter chuckled, “That’s God’s car. He lets Dale use it on
weekends.”

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Yo!! mama!!

Your mama is so old she farts dust!!!!

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Dangerous Mule

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Jake replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale!?”

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