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stupid joke

Q. Santa Claus, a smart blonde, and a brunette made a bet as to who would hit the ground first if they all jumped off a bridge at the same time. Who do you think hit first?

A. The brunette won because the other two people are fictional.

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The Top 14 Signs Your Invention Is a Failure

14> You ask your robot caddy for a sand wedge and it hands you a tuna on rye.

13> The taste tests went well, and “SARS BARS” rhymed and everything…

12> Even Ralph Kramden turned you down for financing.

11> Your “Windshield Vaseline,” while it does make the road look younger, has unfortunate side effects.

10> Your best remaining hope for commercialization: “Miller’s Genuine Cold Fusion Draft.”

9> It’s hard to unfold a chocolate umbrella.

8> Two years later, and there are *still* no Segway-only traffic lanes.

7> “Watson, come here; I’m bleeding!”

6> Public debate regarding gun control aside, there simply is no ready market for your “Salad Stunner.”

5> Despite the celebrity tie-in, your freezers are crammed with unsold “Gary Burghoff Frozen Gourmet Dinners.”

4> Your “Kiwi Karving Kit” continues to be badly outsold at Halloween by those damn pumpkin traditionalists.

3> By law, you must print “Patent Forcibly Declined” on your invention.

2> Your product’s catch phrase is: “Set it, read pages 11 through 26 in the owner’s manual, and forget it!”

1> In hindsight, labeling your item as “Small enough to fit inside a hollowed-out human head!” might not have been the best marketing decision.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :

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Drunk and sleepy

A husband came home late in the night, drunk and sleepy.
“Where have you been?” the wife demanded.
“You’re so smart, darling. Can’t you invent a good answer yourself?”

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Shot duck

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.

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Tips to improve your writing

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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Disabled

wot do disabled people eat?

thier shoulders.

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Do You Live Here?

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”
“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” the father asked.

“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered.

When they got up on the second floor he asked, “Is this your floor?”

“Yesh,” again the man replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.

But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man “Do you live here?”

“Yesh.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yesh.”

So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.

So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God’s sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He’sh been doing nothing all night long but takin’ me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

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I got a joke for you…

I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU. LOOK IN THE MIRROR!! HA HA HA!!!

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Children’s Bible Essays

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but
a ball of fire by night.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by
profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called
monotony.

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Arline Incidents

All believable, but un-verrified at this time. 22 November 1996 — Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, ‘Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?’ Without missing a beat the controller replied, ‘Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!’ 15 November 1996 — What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said ‘Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first’. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation! 8 November 1996 — Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his Approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: ‘American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.’ 1 November 1996 — Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was ‘GIB,’ which stood for, ‘Guy In Back.’ The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a ‘gib’ is a castrated tomcat. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying and about flying when he’s with a woman. 11 October 1996 — What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: ‘Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock and three miles.’ Three-two-Charlie: ‘We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.’ KC Approach: ‘Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?’ Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): ‘Well … I’ve Got something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.’ 13 September 1996 — Mama Didn’t Raise No Fools! Unknown Aircraft: ‘I’m f–king bored!’ Air Traffic Control: ‘Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!’ Unknown Aircraft: ‘I said I was f–king bored, not f–king stupid!’ 6 September 1994 — Mmmm, Mmmm, Good! Tower: ‘Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.’ Eastern 702: ‘Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure … by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.’ Tower: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 …did you copy the report from Eastern?’ Continental 635: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff … and, yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified Eastern’s caterers.’ 28 June 1996 — No, That’s Not What I Said! O’Hare Approach Control: ‘United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.’ United 329: ‘Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got that Fokker in sight.’

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Women

Why do women have smaller feet than guys?
so they can stand closer to the stove!

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The Top 20 Signs You’re Not at the Real Olympics

20> You’re running the 100-meter dash against Scooby Doo and
Shaggy.

19> Budweiser bottles take their positions on the starting
blocks.

18> The Dream Team has Michael… but it also has Tito, Germaine,
Janet and LaToya.

17> Official Olympic program sprinkled liberally with poorly
typeset ads for Shorty’s Ribs.

16> Banner reading, “Sponsored by High Times Magazine.”

15> So-called Olympic “torch” closely resembles a Coleman
lantern.

14> Disproportionate number of athletes named Corky.

13> Opening ceremonies consist of tapping a keg and
releasing the weasel.

12> Swim coach insists you shave off *his* body hair.

11> Decathlete disqualified for not using a standard table
spoon in the potato relay.

10> Water tables along marathon route handing out shots
of  Jaegermeister.

9> Competing countries include Oz and the People’s
Republic of Hawaii.

8> Rules of 400-meter relay require you to chase a
mechanical rabbit.

7> America’s best hope for boxing gold?  Stallone and
DeNiro.

6> You’re pulled out of the crowd to run the 4×100 meter relay
after the original anchor goes into labor.

5> Crack open that gold medal — it’s choc-o-licious!

4> 10-meter platform dive replaced with tire swing competition.

3> Alpha Theta fails in bid for fourth consecutive gold medal in
distance vomiting.

2> Winner of the long jump?  Not Carl, but *Emmanuel*
Lewis.

1> Basketball halftime score: Klingons 35, Romulans 32.

            
[   The Top 5
List     
www.topfive.com   ]             
[   Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White   ] 

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