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She’s new to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.”I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.”What do you mean?” he asked.”Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”

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The Bobbitt Hillbillies!

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies!
Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here’s a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there’s a ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed “over there”
To John Wayne’s henry that was wavin’ in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said “Hey, I can fix your d**g!”
A needle and a thread’s just the thing you’re gonna need
Then the world held it’s breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn’t show on tape

Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

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Its Time to Learn Bridge

A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper and when asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called “Bridge” and last night there were a lot of folks there. As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a man say, “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got”.

Then another man said, I’ve got strength but no length”. Than another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick”. I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady answered “You forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise”. “Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I got my hat and coat as I was leaving I hope to die…if one of them didn’t say “I guess I’ll go home now; this is the last rubber”.

Then I fainted out cold!

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Chilli cook off!

CHILI COOK-OFFS

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You
will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like
me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told men I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.

I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.

Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.

At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER’S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER’S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

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The problem with men

have finally found the problem with men.
god only gave them enough blood to work one of there most famous organs at a time. well, only really one is famous.

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1 arm and 1 leg

What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg?
I lean.

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Speeding granny

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding
through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies
would say “Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers
liscense.” Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper
or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her “Slow down”
With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came
squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no
pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing “Oh no, not the breathalizer
again!”

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One day, Bill and Hillary

One day, Bill and Hillary went out to dinner. The waiter asked Hillary
what she wanted. She said, “I’ll have the steak, well done, potato,
chicken soup…” and the waiter asked, “and the vegetable?”

Hillary said, “Oh, he’ll have the same”.

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Teachers First Day

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”.So she said “There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!”.The kid said “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?””Hell no!” replied a little kid from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”

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$100

There is this kid who is being very bad and he asks his father “I’ll be good for $100” and his dad says “Son, when I was your age, I was good for nothing”.

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Things to do in a Waiting Room

Fun things to do in a waiting room.

1. Stand in a doorway and press your arms against the frame.

2. Take a pencil or pen and make little airlane noises and if
anyone notices, stare at them and say, “We’ve been spotted!” and
run around in circles.

3. Try to get behind the receptionist’s counter and when some
one comes, pop up, and yell “suprise!” at anyone under 50.
(heart attack risk)

4. Make paper airplanes out of magazine pages. Fly them around
the room.

5. Stare at someone in the room and yell, “its an agent!” and
run out.

6. Come in dressed as a bum and ask if they have any fried beans.

7. Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same
random person in the room:
You: “Do you hear that?”
Person: “What?”
You: “Never mind, its gone now.”

8. Come in dressed in army fatigues.

9. Leave your zipper open and if anyone asks say: “Sorry, I
really prefer it this way.”

10. Babble incoherently at the receptionist and ask, “Did you
get all that? I don’t want to repeat it.”

11. Tuck one pant leg into your sock and if asked, relpy “not
now” and walk away.

12. Take your shoes off and ask some one “you wanna trade?”

13. Stare blankly at some one and if they start to look
uncomfortable, say “im onto you…” and squint.

14. Bang your head against the wall or corner in the room and
mutter, “shut up, all of you, just shut up!” even if there is no
one there other than the receptionist.

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Pizza delivery men do it in 30 minutes or…

Pizza delivery men do it in 30 minutes or less.

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