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Stupid As In Not Smart Part 5

1. I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to
what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the
Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM “thingy.”

———-

2. I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip
back into itself and for the life of them could not understand
why their computer would not turn on.

———-

3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I
should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.
Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think that convenience store
would have a battery for it?” “Hmmm, I dunno, but let me see
your keyring for a second.” As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there
and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk.”

———-

4. Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

———-

5. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier
machine paper,” she told him. With that, the intern took his
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
and proceeded to make five blank copies.

———-

6. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed
to type a path name to a directory named “i386.” He started to
type it and paused, asking me, “Where’s the key for that line
thingy?, you know, the one that looks like an upside down
exclamation mark.” I replied, “You mean the letter “i?” …and
he said, “Yeah, that’s it!”

———-

7. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor
home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in
dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and had then
gone back to make himself a sandwich.

———-

8. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side
door. I instinctively tried the door handle on the passenger’s
side and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the
technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. “I
already got that side…I’ll have the driver’s door open in just
another couple of minutes.”

———-

9. 1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax machine?”
2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”
1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back
to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page.
2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”
1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo that I didn’t want
anyone else to read, so I folded it in half so that only the
recipient would open it and read it.”

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payback

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady
was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given to her
for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor
that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate
disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judges eyes.
You’re a school teacher, eh?” he said. “madam, i shall realize
my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a school
teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘i
will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”

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Panda Bear

What is black and white and red all over?
A panda bear with diaper rash!

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Dealing with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services….
You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends . . . would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you< calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Yeah! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)

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Everybody has doorbells – and they all work!”

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.
Very early the next morning, our 3 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us
up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. “Mommy! Mommy!” he exclaimed,
“everybody has doorbells – and they all work!”

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Men and weather

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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Age and treachery will always

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

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Era una vez una mujer

Era una vez una mujer que no ten�a tetas y viv�a muy atribulada por eso. Una vez fue donde un mago de la provincia para ver qu� pod�a hacer para que las tetas le crecieran. El mago le dijo que fuera donde el Rey y le preguntara si se quer�a casar con ella. Cada vez que le dijera que NO le iban a crecer dos pulgaditas.

Ese mismo d�a fue donde el Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

A lo que el Rey respondi�: “No.”

Inmediatamente �plum! dos pulgaditas. Al otro d�a fue donde el mismo Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

“No.”

�Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro d�a fue donde el mismo Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

“No.”

�Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro d�a se levanta la se�ora y dice:

“Bueno, quiero dos pulgaditas adicionales.”

As� que va donde el mismo Rey y le repite su pregunta. El Rey responde:

“�Mire, carajo! �No, no, no y mil veces NO!”

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“The Never-Ending Story 2”

I definitely think we’re in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called…
“The Never-Ending Story 2”

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

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Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
9. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
10. Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay…
19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case… coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found … Out of Memory…
36. Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS… Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press — to continue…
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender�insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
55. Go ahead, make my data

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Lipstick problem!

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

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