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Selling the Green Suit…

A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job
selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit
he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack
for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever
buy it.

The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow
did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his
clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old,
ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”

“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it
fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”

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Knock Knock

Whould you still know me in 5 minutes?Yes
How about 10 minutes? Yes
How about 1 year? Yes
How about 10 years? Yes
Ok…knock, knock!
Whos there?
What you dont know me?!
I thought you would know me!

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Me-ooowww!!

You see there once was this old man who went to his grand-daughters birthday party. He ate all the candys off the cake. He only went home, farted and shot his cat!!!

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Raking leaves

A: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
.
.
.
.
.
.

A: She fell out of the tree.

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The missionary

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree�. The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, “Tree�. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, “This
is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock�.

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, “Riding a bike�.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike�.

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Faggot Football

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on TV. Charles asked John, “Hey, do you want to play a game?”

John thinks for a second and replies, “Sure, why not!”

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, “what you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your pants and fart for the extra point!”

“Piece of cake, let’s do it!” John replies.

“I’ll go first,” shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls down his pants and farts for the extra point. “Seven – zip, your turn!” he says to John.

John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for 6 points, then pulls down his pants for the extra point. Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and shouts, “BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!”

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This kid knows the answer!

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.Patrick.”
The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the $2.”

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”

Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”

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Whats the Pubs Name

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.”The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?””Nope.””Mike’s Tavern?””No,””Mike’s Pub?””No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs!”That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

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Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

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Note from Teacher

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”

So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…

So unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– Ok, now take off my skirt…

And he takes off her skirt.

– Now take off my bra…

Which he does.

– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

“Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

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Battery Power

Your mama is so dumb she stuck a battery up her butt and said,
“I’ve got power!”

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Geek Theology

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and “active low” signals didn’t yet exist.)

On the second day, God’s boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn’t. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried “Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!” And God created rev. 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realised that “new and improved” wouldn’t do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with ‘add’ and ‘logical shift’ instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realised the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev. 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said “Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.” And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimising compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since.

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