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Blonde on computer

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?

White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she’s made the corrections?

She wrote over the white out!

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Things You’ll Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational min. salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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Talking in the Restroom

Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall…………

Hi there, how is it going?

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say, so finally I say:

-Not bad…………

Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: – Well, I’m going back east……………

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:

Look, I’ll call you back–every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,…

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin
with one hand.” The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on,’ and
‘I understand. How did you feel about that?'”

The new priest says those things. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you
think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!?
What happened next?'”

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Tell it to her on Tuesday.

Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Saturday?
A. Tell it to her on Tuesday.

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Yummy Corn

Once apon a time there were 3 guys riding down a dirt road in
Kentucy. After an hour of driving their truck broke down and it
was getting really dark. There was only enough blankets in the
back for one guy so the two other decided to go look for help.
Along down the dirtroad they spotted a house. They stopped and
knocked on the door and a 98 year old lady answers the door and
says, ” Can I help you boys?”

The boys looked at each other and then said, “Yeah our truck
broke down like 2 miles down the road and we need somewhere to
stay.”

Th old lady replied,”Well you can stay here only if you have sex
with me constantly all night.”

The boys looked at each other and said, “Alright.”

So they walk in the house and they see a bowl of corn on the
table. The old lady goes upstairs to get herself ready and the
boys grab the corn. They go upstairs and start to screw her with
the corn and throw it out the window until the whole bowl is
gone. When they are done they go to sleep and the next morning
they go out to meet there friend, when they see him he has a big
smile on his face. Th boys look at each other then ask him,”Why
are you so happy?” HE answers. “Well I had me a good dinner last
night.” The boys asked “how?” The other one replies,”I dunno but
some dumbass was throwin buttered corn out the window!”

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Mistake

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess

If a barber makes a mistake, It’s a new style…

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident…

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture…

If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation…

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law…

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new
invention…

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion…

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory…

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake……

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a “MISTAKE”

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what men hear?

When a woman says:
‘This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do laundry right now, you’ll have no clothes to wear.’

What a man hears:
‘blah, blah, blah, blah, c’mon blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah on the floor, blah, blah, blah, right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes.’

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You’re a wanker

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.Chris: ‘I reckon he’s an accountant. ‘ James: �No way – he’s a stockbroker. ‘ Chris: �He’s no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here. ‘ The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: ‘ ‘Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.’ Suit: �No offence taken. I’m a logical scientist by profession. ‘ Chris: ‘Yeah, so what’s that then. ‘ Suit: ‘I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?� Chris: ‘Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. ‘ Suit: `Well, it’s logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?’ Chris: ‘It’s in a pond’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?’ Chris: ‘As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?’ Chris: �As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.’ Suit: ‘well, given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you’re probably married.’ Chris: ‘Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.’ Chris: ‘Yep! Four nights a week. ‘ Suit: ‘Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?’ Chris: �Me? Never!’ Suit: ‘Well, there you are, that’s logical science at work.’ Chris: ‘How’s that then?’ Suit: ‘From finding out that you had a goldfish. I’ve told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. ‘Chris: ‘I ,see. That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate.’Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.James: ‘I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?’Chris: ‘Yep! He’s a logical scientist.’James: ‘What’s that then?’Chris: ‘I’ll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?’James: ‘Hope. ‘Chris: ‘Well then, you’re a wanker.’

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Entra una abuela en el

Entra una abuela en el Banco Nacional de Canad� y pide hablar con el director. Sale el director y, ante el asombro de todos, la viejita le ense�a un fajo de billetes tremendo. De inmediato, el director la hace pasar a su despacho.

Ya en el despacho, la abuelita ingresa los 30,000 d�lares que tra�a en una cuenta que le abre el propio director general, pero �ste, muerto de curiosidad, le pregunta de d�nde saca tanto dinero, a lo que la se�ora responde que hace apuestas. El director, extra�ado, le pregunta qu� tipo de apuestas y la abuela le contesta:

“Mire, por ejemplo, le apuesto los 30,000 d�lares de mi cuenta a que usted tiene tres huevos en vez de dos.”

No pudiendo dar cr�dito a sus o�dos y ante la posibilidad de ganar tanto dinero, el director del banco acepta y la abuela se ofrece a presentarse al d�a siguiente con un testigo.

El director no puede dormir en toda la noche ante la cuantiosa apuesta y no deja de toc�rselos y cont�rselos. A la ma�ana siguiente se presenta la abuela con el testigo en el despacho del director. La se�ora quiere asegurarse del n�mero de huevos de que dispone el director y �ste la deja, ante el monto de la apuesta. Entonces, el testigo empieza a darse de cabezazos contra la pared y el director, extra�ado, le pregunta a la buena se�ora:

“�Qu� le sucede?”

“Nada”, responde la abuela, “es que ayer apost� 100,000 d�lares conmigo a que no le tocaba los huevos al director del Banco Central de Canad�.”

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And another day in Eden…

�And God created Adam and Eve�
On yet another day in Eden, God decided to take a casual stroll away from his more-or-less successful creations�he didn�t get very far before being interrupted once again by the individuals created �in his likeness��theoretically anyway. The stampede of footsteps behind him signaled the arrival of the two �perfect� creations.
�Father! Eve�s breaking one of the Commandments again!�
God wearily wondered whether there were any of the one thousand two hundred and sixty four Commandments that had not yet been broken by those two�perhaps the last one: �Thou shalt not, in thine own conceit, force others to hear tired, old jokes, over and over again.� However, Adam�s facial expression indicated a transgression of a far worse caliber.
�Father, tell Eve that you commanded us to walk around naked and unabashed! She�s not following the rules, she�s wearing UNDERWEAR!� Adam squealed.
�So? There�s nothing wrong with it! Besides, you should consider covering up that �ding-dong� of yours, all the apes make fun of you!� Eve retorted.
�I am superior to them in every aspect!�
God raised an incredulous eyebrow.
�Dad� Adam pressed, �Tell her you created me to be dominant in that aspect too!�
God considered this for a moment, thinking back to the creation of all his creatures. Finally, he responded,
�Well, I suppose I disregarded that tiny detail�I did give you a bigger brain though.�
�Brain? Who needs a brain? I need my �banana� to be this loooong!�
�Daddy, he just wants to be bigger than Joe Ape, hehehe�Once Joe showed him his �ding-dong� and Adam�s eyes bugged out in surprise, and envy�� Eve chimed in.
�Liar! I just got something in my eye!�
�And since then, he�s been trying to compensate for it by boasting to Joe �I got to shave first, and then I drank half a bottle of that water in Father�s cabinet and didn�t even feel tipsy when returning to the cave��
�Ah, so that�s where all my good Old Spice has been disappearing to�.� God mumbled to himself.
�Tattletale! Besides, how do you know what I talk to Joe about? You probably wear that underwear to impress him! Soon you�ll start wearing a BRA! You�re dressing like�like� like a slut!� Adam rebutted.
�Slut? There�s no such word! You just made it up! Besides, it wasn�t me trying to impress him by saying �I reproduced FIVE times last night!� You wish you could, you erotomaniac-wannabe. You�ve never gone more than three!�
God could feel his blood pressure rising, despite his doctor�s warnings about stress and hypertension�
�Erotomaniac? Now you made up a word! Besides, I just eat too much at dinner and my blood is redirected to improper places��
�Excuses, excuses. Wrong place here, wrong timing there�you could at least try to be more creative�� Eve continued.
God, heeding his doctor�s advice pulled out a vial and with a shaking hand placed a nitroglycerin pill under his tongue. He then sighed with relief, and with a few well-placed smacks on the butt effectively stopped the argument. He then prophesied, �I promise you, for the first two thousand years, all Eves will wear more and more progressively, then for the next two thousand they shall, in their vanity, gradually undress to impress all average Joe Apes, and so it shall continue until judgement day. And all Adams shall value not their brains, but their �ding-dongs� and compare their size with every Joe Ape��
-Thus far, the prophecy hasn�t failed yet�

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What Bush’s Speech Shoulda Been

Good evening my fellow Americans.

First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New
York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You
can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done
to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the
greatest country in the world and we will get through this
trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our
petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can
destroy the fortitude of the American people.

To the people responsible for today’s tragedy, I say this: Are
you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped
too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not
know who you are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill,
that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish that
opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have you
forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started
fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over
in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That’s what we in
America call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever
wonder why it’s so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico
started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our
lawns. England? We sent them packing.

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good ‘ole USA. The
only reason he got away the first time is because it’s too hard
to shoot someone when you’re doubled over laughing at them. Our
soldiers aren’t trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now
he couldn’t stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his
shitty little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go
ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There’s not a hole deep enough
or a mountain high enough that’s going to keep your camel riding
asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors
him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he
was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that
have pissed us off in the past. This is America. We kick ass.
This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks
are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses.

God bless America!

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