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Archive for the ‘music’ Category

Musician joke

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

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Oboe joke

Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.

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Banjo joke

Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?A: “Say, isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”

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The Top 15 Problems With Rock Stars These Days

15. Angst in their pants.

14. Oh, sure, with the cheap materials they use these days, *anyone* can smash the hell out of a guitar.

13. Addition of that fourth chord makes the music too complicated for enjoyment.

12. Rather than doing 17 year olds backstage, they do themselves in public restrooms.

11. The Beatles used mind-expanding drugs to write songs that would change the world. Phish use mind-expanding drugs to debate whether Mrs. C. and the Fonz got it on in the episode where Mr. C. took Richie to the lodge convention.

10. Too much blood in their alcohol systems.

9. STILL haven’t figured out the lyrics to “Louie, Louie.”

8. They’re not feminine enough. And don’t get me started on the *women*!

7. It used to take DECADES before your number one hit was corrupted into the theme song for some bland, inane commercial.

6. We helped stop a war. They help Noel Gallagher stumble to the stage to pick up his MTV Video Music Award.

5. You need a Ph.D. in computer widget thingies to play the friggin’ instruments!

4. No one wears codpieces anymore.

3. These kids are spoiled, what with the high quality of drugs these days. No one appreciates the sheer *quantity* of drugs that were necessary to get on a decent buzz back in the ’70s.

2. The only people delivering more angst are mail carriers.

1. Earplugs?! Feah! In *our* day, we bled from the ears every night — and LIKED it!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com] Rate This Post :
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Abortion?

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis…. Would you recommend that she have an
abortion?

If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting,
isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

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Proctology

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “. . . On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…”.

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.E. and drags the poor guy back to the table. “Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “. . . On the road again . . .”

The M.E. is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked.

“Are you kidding?” says the M.E. “Any asshole can sing country music!”

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Beethoven’s Ninth

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims…

At this point, you must understand two things:

(1)There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass
violins don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page
after page.

(2)There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400 right across the
street from the Seattle Opera house, rather favored by the local
musicians.

It had been decieded that during this performance, after the
bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth,
they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the
stage rather than sitting on their stools looking and feeling
dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested they trot
across the street and quaff a few beers. After they downed the
first couple of rounds, one said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back?
It would be awfully embarrassing if we were late.”

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excersion in the
first place, replied, “Oh I anticipated that we would need a
little more time, so I tied the last few pages of the
conductor’s score together. When he gets down to there, Milton’s
going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the
baton in one hand and fumble with the string with the other.”

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera
House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on
stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in
serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all…

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the
basses were loaded!

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Piano joke

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?A: A flat major.

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Piano joke

Q: What key is “Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight” written in?A: C sharp or B flat.

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Banjo joke

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?A: Will the defendant please rise.

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Banjo joke

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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Violin joke

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist’s head is so much bigger.

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