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Archive for the ‘school’ Category

Geography

What has four eyes but can’t see

Mississippi

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PROFESSOR’S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of
contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for
the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper;
it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

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Balancing Act

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the idiots I put there.”

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Suffering From Dilutions

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren’t entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim’s conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow’s house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn’t be dishonest anymore.

“Don’t quit now,” Peter begged. “A few more jobs and we can retire.”
Jim refused to change his mind.

“Peter,” he said. “I just can’t do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said – ‘Repaint, repaint… you thinner.'”

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Late Night Visit

The Father, passing through the son’s college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

“Whattya want?”

“Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” asked the father.

“Yeah!”, replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we’ll take care of him in the morning.”

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Student Bloopers – Part II!

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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You might be a college student if . . .

36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

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A student’s request for extra money

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?””Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?””Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.””That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???””Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”

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What is it?

What’s round on both sides and hi in the middle?

Ohio

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N.C. State

Q: How many NC State students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it as well as anyone in Chapel Hill.

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