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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Mistress…

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

“Who was that?” Demands the wife.

“If you must know, that was my mistress.”

“Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!”

“Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?”

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,

“Isn’t that Howard over there? Who’s he with?”

“That�s HIS mistress.”

“Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.”

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Tescos hitman

one english man discovered his wife was having an affair, overcome by rage he decided to kill her, so he went to a hitman named Artie, whom he met through a friend,Artie agreed to do the job for a pound (�1)so the gave his wifes description, short red hair, works in Tescos on till eight. So artie ready to do his job marched upto till number eight, picks her up and chokes her to death, the manager came to her aid shouting ‘u can’t do that’ so Artie choked him too, the brave lady in the next aisle came to the rescue, ‘leave them alone’ he choked her to death. The newspaper the next day read ‘ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT TESCO’S’.

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What I Look For in a Woman

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”

He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”

So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”

“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.

“Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big.”

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A mother’s dictionary

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

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Microwave, et al

“Great, just what I need,” she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.

“One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

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New cow

A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country.

As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another.

The wife turned to her husband and smirked, “Why aren’t you men capable of doing things that way?”

“My dear,” he answered, “We can if you let us change cows each time!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

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The government cuts costs

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.”Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.”

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Farmers’ Wives

Two farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when
the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur coat and
a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur
coat. The first farmer replies that if she doesn’t like the coat
she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back. The second farmer
nods his head as if understanding the reasoning behind the
answer.

The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for
Christmas. He replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers
and a vibrator. The first farmer asks why he bought these
combination of presents. The second farmer replies that if she
doesn’t like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.

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A female doctor can’t fall asleep

A female doctor can’t fall asleep. the conscience and mind are discussing in
her.
the conscience:
– how can you sleep after you were unfaithful to your husband!
the mind:
– it depends on husbands! if your husband is always busy, he has no time for
sex; even the holy wife will be unfaithful. you were right, my dear… hush and
sleep…
the conscience:
– adultery differs! f****** with a patient is unprofessional!
the mind:
– yes, but remember mary from the near by hospital. she always has sex with
her patients – everybody is satisfied and pleased.
the conscience becomes silent. the woman falls asleep… and suddenly the
conscience starts again with sarcastic whisper:
– yes, but mary is not a veterinary…

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In good hands?

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend – “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.

He yelss – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

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Marriages

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”

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Boyfriend/Husband

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

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