Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

Freedom in Russia

. An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing will happen to me either.”

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Pure Politics: To vote for Bush you must believe…

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

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53 Ways to make a Cop mad

1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar…..

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

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Education in Texas

Education in Texas has improved greatly under the George W. Bush
administration. Now, 60% of Texas 6th graders read at a higher level than the
Governor. Under Governor Ann Richards, few if any achieved these levels of

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Monica & the Genie!

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!”, she exclaimed.
“No”, said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”

“Lets see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.”

“And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want.”

“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.” “Yeah, that’s it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

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Form for buying a Government Official

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM. With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card.

This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President

__ Vice-President

__ Senator

__ Congressman

__ Governor

__ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce

__ Cabinet Secretary – Other

__ Other Elected Official (please specify)

__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM?

Please check all that apply.

__ TV ad.

__ Magazine / newspaper ad.

__ Shared jail cell with.

__ Former law partner of.

__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.

__ Arkansas crony of.

__ Procured for.

__ Related to.

__ Recommended by lobbyist.

__ Recommended by organized crime figure.

__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)

__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)

__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.

__ Solicited bribe from me.

__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?

(Please check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.

__ Have my prejudices turned into law.

__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.

__ Obtain trade concessions.

__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.

__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.

__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.

__ Forestall military action against self / allies.

__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors / targets for future conquest.

__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.

__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.

__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.

__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase?

(Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model.

__ Reputation.

__ Price.

__ Appearance.

__ Party affiliation.

__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.

__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.

__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.

__ Blackmail.

__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government OfficialTM?

______ If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.

__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.

__ Defect in current model:

__ Dead.

__ Senile.

__ Indicted.

__ Convicted.

__ Resigned in disgrace.

__ Switched parties / beliefs.

__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government OfficialTM, you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

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Big mix-UP

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who’s only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven–temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, “Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary”, and Bill Clinton replies… “Sorry, buddy, you’re 15 minutes late!”

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Best Iraqi Job

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

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Why Bill Clinton Won’t Resign

* Fall semester crop of interns just starting White House duty!

* Investment in Rush Limbaugh’s radio show paying off big time!

* Al Gore not finished washing stains out of oval office carpet.

* Two more annual “Vodka Hummer” weekends already scheduled with Boris

* Free Adult Cable at the White House.

* Just spent $350.00 on “Seasons Greetings from the White House” holiday

* Bimbo access tunnel beneath White House just nearing completion.

* Needs more time to remove smut from White House Personal Computer.

* Approval rating still soaring high (according to the latest correctional
facility polls).

* Hillary said no!!

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A First in American Politics

The “Right-Reverend” Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic
congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/Push Coalition’s payroll.
Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton’s
last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-
half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies
to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for
concurrently serving five years for being involved with an underage campaign
This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who was
involved with a subordinate, won clemency from a president who was involved with
a subordinate then was hired by a clergyman who was involved with a
His new job? Youth Counselor!

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Boxers or Briefs

Mr. DOLE was being interviewd by MTV and they popped the famous questoin,
“Do you wear boxers or briefs?”

“Depends.” says Mr. DOLE.

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What was the first thing

What was the first thing Monica Lewinsky saw in Washington?

The executive branch.

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