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Archive for the ‘sports’ Category

One Time Shot

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh. . .you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

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Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus. “Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!” “No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

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A POKE

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few
hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his
jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it
in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass.
Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the
water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye
and picks up a 70 pound Bass.
A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, “Aren’t you going to
give it a try?”
Jeff replies, “No, I don’t want to get poked in the eye!”

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Wish to Build a Wall

There’s a Chelsea fan, a Manchester Utd and a Liverpool fan
walking along a beach. The Chelsea fan trips over something half
buried in the sand. Sure enough, in true joke fasion, it’s a
magic lamp, and the Chelsea fan rubs it. Poooof! A genie appears
and grants him 3 wishes. He decides to give his friends a wish
each and the Chelsea fan goes first.

“We’ve had a ban run in Europe this season so next year, I want
to qualify for the Champions League and win it.”

A click of the genie’s fingers and the wish is duly granted.

Next it’s the Manc’s turn.

“Right, our kid.”, he says to the genie,” I want a fucking great
big wall all the way around Manchester to keep those Scouse
bastards out!”

“Granted!” booms the genie, and the wall appears around
Manchester.

Finally, the Scouser steps up and asks, “This wall…how high is
it?”

“200 feet high” answers the genie.

“Any doors in it” continues the quizical Liverpool fan.

“Nope.”

“Windows?”

“Nope.”

“Right!”, says the Scouser, “Flood the Bastard!”

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why did the giants lose….

why did the giants lose. because they suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Question answer

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?It was a cup draw! Where do football directors go when they are fed up?The bored room! A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?”Were the crowd not behind you” asked the reporter”They were right behind me all right”, said the manager, “But I managed to shake them off at the station!” Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

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Olympic city bribery

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor’s office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell. 6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn’t think the term “New York City Hospitality Committee” is an oxymoron. 5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches. 4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: “My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.” 3. “Miss Salt Lake” for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech. 2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties. This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

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A Cold Day in Hell

A bank robber is killed in a shooting and goes to Hell. “Soooo, your a
bank robber are you? Well I’ve got something special for you.” Says the
devil. So the devil puts him in a room where he can do nothing but break
rocks that are extremely huge. Soon, he turns up the heat to 130 degrees.
Celcius. At the end of the day, the devil lets him out. “So how was your
day?” The devil asks. “Actually, it wasn’t that bad, in fact, it remindes
me of my childhood when I worked out in the hot sun.” “Erggg…” the devil
growls, and sends him to bed.

At 4:30 in the morning, the devil wakes him up. Then he stuffs him in the
room again. “If he likes heat, I guess I’ll make him cold!” So the devil
turns down the heat to -130 degrees celcius. Then at the end of the day,
the devil lets him out. “So how was your day?” “Not bad. The Bengals won.”

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Chief worrier

A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
‘What we’re really looking for here,’ said the chairman, ‘is what you might call
a “chief worrier”!
Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league
promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we’d be
prepared to pay �75,000 a year. Interested?’
‘Certainly,’ said the applicant.
‘But – you’ll pardon me for saying this, I hope – where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?’
‘Ah!’ said the chairman. ‘That would be your first worry.’

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Glof Score

Ya I played golf the other day and shot in the mid 70’s……….Any hotter and I would of quit!

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Golfer Pays His Respects

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.”

“Well, we were married for 25 years!”

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