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Archive for the ‘little johnny’ Category

Pretty Dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the children’s
sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes,
and my Mom says it’s a Bitch to iron.”

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Gravol Label

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It’s even called “Gravol for Children”. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness.
Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back – my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn’t take them!

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Doing Some Homework

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

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Turn to stone

there were two kids playing basketball outside of an apartment building one kid sees a really hot girl naked in the shower and says to the other come here theres a really hot naked girl and the other kid runs away. the next day they are playing basketball there again and the kid that saw the girl said “hey why did u leave yesterday?” and the other kid said”because my mom said if i saw a naked lady i would turn to stone and i started to feel something get hard.

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Gladly

A child came home from Sunday School and old his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”

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Chickens

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken “who is your favorite music composer?”

The second chicken responds “bach, bach, bach!”

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Why Two Nostrils?

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.

Her four year old son quickly responded with, “So you can still breath when you pick your nose!”

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A future fireman.

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman’s hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, “Son, I don’t want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog’s neck you would go faster.”

“Maybe so,” said the little boy, “But then I’d lose my siren!”

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Toddler’s Creed

If I want it,
it’s mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later,
it’s mine.

If I can take it away from you,
it’s mine.

If I had it a little while ago,
it’s mine.

If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else,
no matter what.

If we are building something together,
all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine,
it’s mine.

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This would DEFINETLY be a bad day!

how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?

if her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pen!

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I Know Your Secret

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.

She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than…punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of…termites.

You can lead a horse to water but…how?

Don’t bite the hand that…looks dirty.

No news is… impossible.

A miss is as good as a… Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new… math.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.

Love all, trust… me.

The pen is mightier than the… pigs.

An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s… pollution.

A penny saved is… not much.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.

You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Submitted by Curtis
EDited by calamjo

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