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Archive for the ‘puns / word play’ Category

Infertility problem

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.”The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a macarel.”

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Fishermen on the lake

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.”

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WHAT DO YOU CALL

WHAT DO YOU CALL A AGENT WHO LIVES IN A WASHING UP BOTTLE?

BUBBLE O SEVEN

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Two Cannibles And A Clown

Two cannibles are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “Does this tast funny?”

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Rectum

Little Johnny was always late for school. Day after day he would
come to class late. Finally, his teacher told him if he was late
one more day he would be suspended.

So, the next morning he showed up to class late and the teacher
asked him why he was late. He replied, “I was riding my bike
down the hill next to the school, and my brakes gave out. At the
bottom of the hill there was a goat, and my handle bar went
right up his ass.” “RECTUM!” corrected the teacher. With that
little Johnny repiled, “Wrecked him? Hell, it killed him!”

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The little girl with short skirt

A young girl wearing a short skirt was walking back home from school one day. On her way home, she saw an old man standing under a coconut tree. The old man noticed her and then walked up to the girl and said, �Will you climb up this coconut tree and pluck a coconut for me? � The little girl replied, �Why should I?� The old man told her, �If you help me, I�ll pay you $2.� Thinking that there�s no harm in doing it and at the same time, she can get some pocket money, she agreed.
And so she climbed up the tree. While she was busy plucking the coconut at the top, the old man under the tree then took a peep at her underwear.
When she got the coconut down, the old man handed a $2 note to her. She ran back home happily with the money that she got and went to tell her mother about it. �Mummy, Mummy! I got $2 today. �
After the girl finished telling her mother about what happened earlier, her mother scolded her, �Why are you so stupid?!! That old man is a sex pervert! He just wants you to climb up that coconut tree so that he can peep at your panties!!! � The girl told her mother, �Don�t worry Mummy. I won�t let him see my panties again.�
The next day, on her way back from school, the little girl saw the same old man again, at the same coconut tree. The old man again, asked her to climb up the coconut tree to pluck a coconut for him and return, he will give her $2. The girl told him, �No! Mummy said that you are a sex pervert and I�m not going to help you this time.� The old man paused, and then he said, �Hmm, how about $4?� �Erm�No!� replied the girl. Old man quickly offered her $6.
�$6?� She hesitated for a while before finally agreed to it. So she did the same thing like yesterday and went back home joyfully.
Back home, she called out to her mother, �Mummy, Mummy! I got $6 today!� When the girl told her mother about the old man again, she scolded her, �Didn�t I told you about that old pervert!? Why did you let him see your panties again?� But the girl told her mum, �Don�t worry Mummy, he didn�t get to see my panties this time.� Surprised, her mother asked her why and the girl said,
�Because I didn�t wear any today.�

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A Problem?

If a customer walked into a hardware store and swore by a certain type of bathroom cabinet to another customer, saying how good it is, would you say the first customer had a pro-vanity problem?

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The Chicken’s

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?

” Look what Marma-Lade!! “

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CHERRY HEAD

Imagine what is happening!
Put 2 cherrys on your head.
Take one off and eat it.
Now chop off your head.
Then put it under your arm.
Take off the other cherry and eat it.

Did you eat it at your real mouth or the mouth under your arm.
If you ate it from your real mouth unlucky.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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The perfect woman!

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

“Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

“You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, she replies…. “You just happened to catch my eye.

(hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

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Legendary Proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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Red Square Christmas

An elderly couple visiting Russia are taken on a tour of Red
Square by a young man named Rudolph. The weather is frigid.
After a short time, it begins to rain. The husband (evidently
not used to cold weather) remarks, “It’s snowing!”
To which young Rudolph replies, “No, it’s raining.”
The elderly man, miffed, states again, “It’s snowing!”
Rudolph repeats, “It’s raining.”
The older man’s wife turns to her husband. “Rudolph the Red
knows rain, dear.”

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