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Archive for the ‘medical’ Category

George and Harry’s European Vacation

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a
great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all
about it.
“One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was
really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the
Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in
London.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the
Vatican.”
“Really? What happened?”
“Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right
crutch, and he dropped his left crutch.”
“Cool. What happened then?”
“George fell on his ass. He’s a cripple, you know.”

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Following Doctor’s Orders

Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”

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Punk Rocker

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and
strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it was a tattoo reading, ”Keep off the grass.” After the prep and the
surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ”Sorry, had
to mow the lawn.”

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Help me with my hair doctor

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?Doctor: A shoebox.

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Where’s My Heart

Poor Mildred was a 92 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
decided she wuld just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to quickly get over it, she took
out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and then become a vegetable
and burden to someone else, she called her doctor’s office to
inquire as to exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,”
the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was addmitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her left knee.

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Social Security

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn.
The lady behind the counter asks him for identification. He went to get his
wallet out of his back pocket and realized he had left it at home. The lady told
him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were
grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day
went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the
social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she
could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he
probably could have gotten disability too.

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The Waiting Room

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits
patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and
asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time
asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a
hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the
surgeon and asks, ”Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”

“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”

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Having Babies

They came up with a machine that when a girl has a baby, they can transfer the pain from the girl to the father. So they tried it out. They transfered it to the father on one girl that was having a baby. They transfered 25% of it to the father, he did not feel anything. So they transfered 50% still he did not feel anything, then 75%, then 100%, still he did not feel anything. So he went home and he saw the milk man spilled milk all over.

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Nurses Revenge

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”

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Sex, age and timing

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

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Organ donor

“Are you an organ donor?”
“No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.”

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Gyn.

One woman says to another: “I can’t understand why you haven’t gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he’s so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!”

The other woman replies with a smile: “Yeah, I know. His hands shake *all* the time!”

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