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Archive for the ‘mostly true stories’ Category

Create a Hallmark Moment!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!”

“Money is tight, times are hard, here’s your @#$/& Christmas card!!!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”

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Britney’s pregnancy

Britney says her pregnancy hasn’t been easy however, she’s gets up every morning feels sick to her stomach and quite often throws up.

What a coincidence, most people who tune into her new TV show do the same exact thing.

-Rick Fancy

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South Carolina:…

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

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In September, a 7-year- old

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot
where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

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Father’s Day

The NBA playoffs are in full swing with the multi-round tournament slated to end before Father’s Day.

That’s considerate as Father’s Day is a day when NBA players traditionally like to relax at home and take phone calls from all over the country.

-Argus Hamilton

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Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
9. Whew…..that’s one terrific spread!
8. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
6. Talk about a huge breast!
5. “And he forces his way into the end zone”
4. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
3. It’s cool whip time!!
2. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst.
1. It must be broken ’cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

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Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“I guess I was just really into it, you know? “he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I
just went up and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?

“He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….

“A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?”

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Santa Please Dont Go!

A older girl was waiting for santa to come.When he slid down the chimney and buiseid himself with work.Before he left she stood up and said “Oh santa Please dont go!” santa looked araound and said “Sorry miss but I have to.” at this the girl took off her shirt and said “Santa please dont go.” santa blinked but still wouldnt stay.She took off her pants.Still he said “I have to go.” she took off her bra “Say you will stay santa!” he shook his head and turned to leave.At one last otempt she took of her underwear and said seductivly “Oh santa…Pleaseeee dont go!” santa turned around and his jaw droped.”Ah well I guess ill stay…I cant go up the chimney with my cock this way!”

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NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots…

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots coach Bill Parcells form
switching to the New York Jets without the permission of the Patriots.
“The Jets can’t win,” says Jay Leno. “Even their coaches get intercepted.”

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ABC’s overnight news show, World News Now,…

ABC’s overnight news show, World News Now, has a recurring segment called
“World News Then”, where they air pieces of ABC News broadcasts as they
covered various important events of the past. Last April 1st,
they decided that instead of running a piece from a few decades ago, it
would be more interesting to go back a few millennia. One of the stories
they rebroadcast was the following report from 2400 BC:

“Egypt’s emerging papyrus technology continues to alarm parents and law
enforcement. A new bill introduced today would let the government
regulate material found on papyrus. Legislators said paperspace, as it
is known to so-called ‘writers’, is becoming a haven for monotheists,
con artists and worse hoping to prey on the young and gullible. A little
bit later in this broadcast we will have some tips on how to shield your
children from offensive and dangerous material found on the dangerous
papyrus.”

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Make Him Happy

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”

The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”

“I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!”

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Once upon a time!

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood,plastic – anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?

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They were M&M’s!!! – (get your mind out of the gutter !!)
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

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