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Archive for the ‘the battle of the sexes’ Category

Problem in Bed

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.””My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.””The problem is,” she complained, “he keeps waking me up!”

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Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m
sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket�.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better
idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not�, she giggles.

� Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”

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Silver is better.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

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Secretary Helping Out

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

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Good News Bad News: Half a million dollars

This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.”Give me the bad news first.””Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.””That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.””The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

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Free man by now

A wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband sitting on
the bed crying. She asks, “Whets wrong?”
He says, “Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were
sixteen and told me I’d have to marry you or he was going to send me to
jail for thirty years?”
She says, “Yeah, but why are you crying?”
He says, “I’d be a free man today.”

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sorority girl has achieved orgasm?

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?

She drops her nail file.

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What’s the difference between government bonds…

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

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A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter…

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he’d have it fixed in no time.

However as it was very cold
his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put
his hands between her knees to warm them.

She said that would be
allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing
the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again
asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it
would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to
fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five
minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.

His girl asked “Honey don’t your ears ever get cold?”

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CNN Late Breaking News!

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM
Pacific Standard Time by U.S. Special Forces.

The main suspect of the attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin
Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground tunnel in a deserted
mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that
moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across
southern Afghanistan, and the little prick just popped up!

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Men’s English

“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.

� I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.

� I’m tired.” = I’m tired.

� Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

� You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

� What’s wrong?” = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?

� What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

� I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?

� I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.

� I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

� Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.

� Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much
different!

� Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

� Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys.

And FINALLY… (While shopping) “I like that one better.” = Just pick ANY
dress and let’s go home!

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What do you say to a sorority girl that won’t

What do you say to a sorority girl that won’t give in?

“Have another beer.”

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