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Archive for the ‘professionals’ Category

Mother in law

A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says “Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double.” The man thinks for a minute and says “For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.”He thinks for a little while longer and says “For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world.” The genie says “You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right?” The man nods and says “For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death”

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Fish

Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing

A:a cold

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Sic Sqid

Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.

�Hello squiddy� said the shark �You don�t look too good what�s the matter�?

�Oh I have to get my pension today and it�s a long journey and I don�t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort�.

�No problem�, said the shark �I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time�.

The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.

After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.

All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.

�Hello sharkey I�ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me� said the killer whale threatenly.

�Oh yes� said the shark, �Have a look on my back. �It�s the six quid I owe you�.

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WASSUP or WAZZUP

WASSUP or WAZZUP howerver the hell you spell it,it still means the same thing so grab your gun and lets go hunting.

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The bear

A man goes hunting on day and sees a big bear ..so he thinks to himself that would look great in my game room…so he picks up his little rifle///takes aim…and fires….loud bang,big cloud of smoke….”i got him” the hunter says..he runs over to get his prize…look down and no bear…just then he feels a tap on his sholder..he turns around and the bear says to him…”suck my dick or die” so the hunter does his thing to the bear and goes home pissed off….
the next day the hunter returns for pay back with an even bigger gun…” ill get him this time” he says….he spots the bear takes aim…fires…loud bang…big cloud of smoke…he runs over to where the bear is…nothing…the hunter feels a tap on his sholder turns around and the bear says “suck my dick or die” hunter does it and goes home really pissed now…
next day hunter brings a fucking rocket launcher…sees the bear and “boom!!!!” the hunter runs over to where is and still nothing…he feels another tap on his sholder and the bear says…..”your not here for the hunting are you”

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Kill the bald guy?

Once there were three babys still inside the uterus of their mother.
They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.

The first baby said, “I want to be a fireman so I can put fires out.”

The next said, “I want to be a carpenter so I can fix this place up.”

The last one said, “I want to be a hunter so I can kill that bald headed bastard that keeps popping in and out of here!”.

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Law Firms and their Specialities…

Law Firms and their Specialities

Torts (plaintiffs) Poor, Weiner, Lauder & Lauder

Torts (defendants) Billings, Daly & Dunnings

Tax law Dewey, Cheate & Howe

Appellate briefs Doolittle & Waite

Shareholder suits Harris, Pester & Noyes

Discrimination Black, Brown, Olde & Gaye

Criminal defense Meany, deGenera, Ripov & Zonovovich

Divorce Took, Haff & Moore

Corporate litigation Paper, Schroedinger & Losinger

Intellectual property Brain, Storm & Quarrels

Environmental Aulk, Richards, Bigg & Small

Bankruptcy Stone, Broque & Stiffel-Lott

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Pizza Tip

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet’s trailer house, Amanpreet asked, “What is the usual tip?””Well,” replied the youth, “This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.””Is that so?” snorted Preet. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.””Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.””What are you studying?” asked Preet.The lad smiled and replied, “Applied psychology.”

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Hyphenated Yellow Page Words

In a recent readers’ contest, The Washington Post asked contestants to take any hyphenated heading at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a definition for the compound word they formed. Some of our favorite entries:

Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. “Seeing ads for U.S. postage stamps is like advertising-air.”

Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these “dormitories.”

Artificial-Asphalt: Polenta.

Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to “even things up.”

Banquet-Beauty: A euphemism for a plus-size woman.

Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy.

Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow.

Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they’ve lost the figure for fan-dancing.

Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit.

Foam-Foods: The nation’s top supplier of airline meals.

Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes.

House-Human: The token normal person at Michael Jackson’s home.

Iron-Jewelers: For the gift that tells her you’d tolerate her all over again.

Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than “the old ball and chain.”

Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases — for the discriminating homeowner who’d never have a lawn jockey.

Movers-Moving and Nurses-Nursing: What I got on the 13th and 14th days of Christmas.

Piano-Pizza: An industry term for household pets that get in the way of furniture movers.

Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic. “That guy has a face that’s radio-ready.”

Rental-Reporters: The memo line on Armstrong Williams’ pay stub.

Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks.

Sheet-Social: Code phrase for a KKK rally.

Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes’ home.

Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder!

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Taylor goes on a hunting trip

Taylor’s dad always goes hunting every weekend. So one day Taylor asks to go with. Her dad , was surprised, but finally agreed to let his little angel come with him. So he told his buddies and they stayed home. They weren’t hunting with a 13 year old! So Taylor and her dad drove up to the grounds. He hands Taylor a gun. Taylor then leaps up into a tree where her dad pionted. He tells her if she see’s a deer to shoot and he’ll come ruinning. Her dad starts to walk away and about 15 minutes later he hears a shot. But knowing Taylor it’s probley a false alarm.
When he gets closer he hears Taylor screaming, ” Get away from my deer!”

When taylors dad arrives at the scene he sees a man with his hands in the air and a cowboy hat on saying, ” alright ma’am just lemme get my saddle off!”

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There was this Fly

There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear.’ But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich’s for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich’s for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.’
Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.

Which only goes to prove that “Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy”.

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Cheap meat

Q:what is the cheapest meat you can buy?
A:deer balls because its under a buck.

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