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Archive for the ‘gender’ Category

Heads up

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Tounge twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?’

So the guy tells him ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, “I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh,” I said, “I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh.”‘
‘She socked me one.’

The first guy responded, ‘Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,” But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.”’

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Men Are Like…….

Men are like….Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like….Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ….Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like….Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ….Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like….Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like….Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like….Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like….Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like….Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like….Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like….Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like….Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like….Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you’re riding it.

Men are like….Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like….Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ….Snowstorms. You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.

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Not Much of a Man?

A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.

They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy’s pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.

One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, “Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn’t say a word! He sure ain’t much of a man!”

The waitress turned to them and said, “He ain’t much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!”

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Answers Women Have Always Wanted to Know

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing. We men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the griping
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We’re just
misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m
fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the
world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we
feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please, how many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around
for hours on end? We men…men hunters…need go roam…starve in
cave…must go find wilde beast…. Now sitting on our butts for hours on
end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing
on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are
born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY, “I LOVE YOU?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character
faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY, “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho. Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure-fire way
to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well that you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you
know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err…buying?

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Q. How can you tell a woman is really trashy?…

Q. How can you tell a woman is really trashy?
A. She brings a date to her wedding.

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Men are like cars

Why are men like cars?

Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

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Gender Poetry 4 Da Fellas

I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

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Lottery winner

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,

“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”

“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”

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Iron this

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails.

Then she yells,
‘Well, if I’m going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I’m fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?’

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

‘I can make you feel like a woman,’ he says.

He’s gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.

The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
‘Iron this.’

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Frog wishes

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,
‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’

The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.’

The woman said,
‘That would be OK,’ and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her,
‘You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.’

The woman replied,
‘That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.’

So, poof – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,
‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.’

The woman said,
‘That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.’

So, poof – she’s the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’

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Dating Young Women

A single man in his 40’s often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That’s why he dates someone half his age.

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