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Archive for the ‘catholics’ Category

Adventures of the New Priest

Once there was a Catholic church that recently got itself a new
priest. This priest was fixed on bringing young people to the
church. One day the older priest said down the younger one and
said, “You have done much good for our church! When you
suggested we get bucket seats instead of pews, the teenage
population of our church really went up!” The young priest
smiled smugly.

Then he continued, “And when you decided to bring in rock gospel
groups instead of a choir, the teenage population went up
further.” He smiles again.

“But the thing I’m not sure about is the drive-in confessional.
I mean, the whole idea is fine, but I’m concerned about the neon
sign in front. We might need to change that.” The other guy
frowned. “Well, what’s wrong with it, father?” “I just don’t
think that ‘Toot and Tell or go to Hell is such a nice gesture!”

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Afraid of the Dark?

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go
out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to
his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of
the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and
protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
“Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when
you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute
and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into
the darkness, he called,

“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

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The Confessional

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he
crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a
confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the
confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthily silence.

Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I duuno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any
toilet paper on your side?”

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I Have to Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say
the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have
to whisper.”

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper
in my ear.”

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Funeral Speeches

Three men went up to heaven to meet with St. Peter, but upon
arival, they are told that only 33% of the people trying to get
into heaven were being allowed because heaven was getting
overpopulated. To decide who of the three got in, St. Peter went
to the first man and asked him, “If you were to have anybody say
anything at your funeral, what would it be?”

“I would have somebody say, ‘He was a great doctor and a great
man. He was deticated to his work yet he always had time to be a
great family man. He helped the community and everybody in it in
many ways. We are all better people because he exsisted.'” “That
is very nice,” said St. Peter.

He went to the second person and asked the same question. “I
would have somebody say, ‘He was a great lawyer who upheld the
constitution and fought for what was right. He was the kindest
man alive who always thought about others before himself. He
cared for his family as well as everybody else around him, and
his death is a great loss to all.” “That is very, very nice,”
said St. Peter.

He went on to the third person and asked him the same question.
“I would have somebody say, ‘LOOK, HE’S MOVING!'” The third
person was the only one who got in.

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Birds on the Roof

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around discussing the
pigeon problem. Each house of worship was being over run with pigeons on
the roofs. The minister said “I tried to shoot them off, but they’d just
circle around and come back. The only damage it did was to put holes in my
roof.”

The rabbi said, “I tried to smoke the pigeons off my roof, but all that
happened was the roof caught fire.”

The priest then told the others that he managed to get rid of the birds.
The others were amazed and asked what his secret was. “Well,” he said, “I
just baptized them, confirmed them, and I haven’t seen them since.”

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Billboards

Some new billboards are getting some attention in Dallas. Some
reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here is a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The
billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine
print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C’mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” didn’t you understand?
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing… I meant it.
-God

Will the road you’re on get you to my place?
-God

Big bang theory, you’ve got to be kidding.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it’s hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you’re going?
-God

Don’t make me come down there.
-God

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Pray for Me

At church one Sunday during alter prayer, this little boy started acting
up. His mother told him to quiet down. The little boy continued to act
out. So the mother picked up the child and was heading for the back doors
when the child screamed out, “PRAY FOR ME, PLEASE!”

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Faith

There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he
fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a
tree branch.

He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a
child: when you’re in trouble call on God.

So he called up to Heaven, “Lord are you up there?”

A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.

The man calls again, “Lord are you up there?” And again the lord did not
response.

This time the man made a promise to God, “if you are there I will serve
you if you help me.”

The Lord responded and said, “my son do you trust me?”

“Yes,” replied the man.

The Lord ask him again, “my son do you trust me”?

“Yes I do”, replied the man.

God said, “let the branch go.”

A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled, “is there anybody else
up there?”

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Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying…that phrase…in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the
solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, “Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!”

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Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the
TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s on television, they
want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment
for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he
put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in
the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And the number one reason God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that”.

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Walking on Water

There is a rabbi, a priest, and the prophet of the LDS church in
a boat. Jesus is standing on the water, and beckons them. The
rabbi stepped off the boat, and slipped and drowned. The priest
stood up and walked over to Jesus. Then the prophet stood up
and walked over to Jesus. Then, the priest turns to the prophet
and said, “So, you saw the steeping stones?” And the prophet
said, “What stepping stones?”

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