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Archive for the ‘travel / vacation’ Category

Employee Planned Vacation

Jon: To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows: Day 1: The ’10 Deadliest Snakes’ Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes. Day 2: The ‘Great White Encounter.’ You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark. Day 3: The Aboriginal ‘Festival of Spears.’ You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition. Day 4: The ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5: ‘Those Marvelous Morays.’ This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal employees.

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The Japenese and the American

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA,
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of ‘-ese’
are you?”

The Japanese, confused and replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you
mean.”

The American repeated, “What kind of ‘-ese’ are you?”

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you? Are
you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…”

The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I’m a Japanese!”.

A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked, “What kind
of ‘-key’ are you?”

The American, frustrated, yelled, “What you mean what kind of ‘-key’ I am?”

The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”

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Train Crash

Roy is applying for a high paying executive job at the railroad and during the interview, an inspector asks him, “What would you do if you saw two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Roy says, “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I�d use the manual lever.” answers Roy.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” asks the inspector.

“I�d use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“I�d use the public phone near the station.”

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“If that happened,” Roy answers, ” I’d run home and get Carla. “

The inspector asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because Carla has never seen a train crash.”

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Friendly Hawaii

Why are Hawaiians considered to be so friendly?

They can hardly wait until you get off the plane to give you a lei.

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Bono & hitchhikers

Bono is known as charitable but he’s cautious too. I mean, he’ll pick up hitchhikers then make them ride in the trunk.

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Speeding ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.”

“Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!?”

Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Yisman

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In-Flight Accident

Entertainment A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

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Gator Country

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”

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Fish & Game

A young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation.
He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One
morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the
lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice
to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about
boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and
settled down to read.

After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and
asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was
obvious, she responded, “I’m reading a book.”

“You’re in a restricted fishing area, I’ll need to take you in
and write you up for this”, he said.

Astounded, she argued, “But I’m not fishing. You saw me here,
reading my book!”

“But you have all the necessary equipment,” he said, pointing
out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat,
“so I’m going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area.”

“Then I will press charges on you for rape”, she said.

“Rape!? I haven’t touched you!”

“No,” she said, “but you have all the necessary equipment.”

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No Mercy

A guy is driving down a deserted highway.

He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign.

From out of nowhere, a cop car pulls him over.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

GUY: Hey, I slowed down, didn’t I???

COP: You must come to a full stop at the sign.

GUY: Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to pound the man without mercy.

COP: Well? Do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?

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New Rolls-Royce

An old man uses his life’s savings to buy a Rolls-Royce.

The salesman explains how the old man has to start the car, warm the car, fill the car and handle the car.

Overwhelmed, the man drives off, and a mile down the road, the car stalls.

A truck pulls up, and a young man gets out to help. He checks under the hood for the old man.

“I found it,” the young man eventually calls out. “Just crap in the carburetor.”

The old man groans, “I have to do that too?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Sunbathing, a true story

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No
one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not
exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining
room skylight.”

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