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Archive for the ‘car bumpers’ Category

WANTED: Meaningful

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots….I married their king. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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Those who

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

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Stop repeat

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?I intend to live forever – so far, so good.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

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I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

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Sarcasm is

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

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If we

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A penny saved is ridiculous. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Anarchy is better than no government at all. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

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“Time is

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!””According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.””Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.””How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms””Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.””Give me ambiguity or give me something else.””Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?””I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”

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It’s not

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

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I love

I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.” Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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My karma

My karma ran over your dogma.I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.I’m not driving fast-just flying low.Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”I is a college student.”If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

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“Women who

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.””It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.””If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.””I Brake For No Apparent Reason.””When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.””Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.””I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!””No Radio – Already Stolen””Few women admit their age, Few men act it! “”I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”

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Death is

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer. Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it. History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. It works better if you plug it in.

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