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Archive for the ‘rednecks’ Category

Redneck quickies 5

You might be a redneck if…Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog. You’re an expert on worm beds.The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”Your family tree does not fork.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul.

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You’re a redneck … you need an estimate

You’re a redneck if…. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.

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Pilot

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

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You think that Marlboro is

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.Your best coat is a black and red checkered.You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

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Cilly day

If one family was pore whith only a cloke whine its raining.How would thay serfiva?

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Drunk Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Anne get drunk in a bar and end up shagging a couple of rednecks in the car park.

Halfway through, Sister Anne repents and shouts, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does,” to which Sister Mary replies, “Mine does”.

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You might be a redneck if….

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can’t get married to your sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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Bear Hunting

Two Rednecks went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”

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You’re a redneck … you have a very

You’re a redneck if…. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occasions.

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‘Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!

Adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool.
antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this)
cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type
peepul live.
emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how
fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.
series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles….(n) books of the Bible
tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

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Your toilet is in you front

You might be a redneck if…. your toilet is in you front lawn and isn’t a
porta potty but a whole in the ground…

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Redneck Tidbits

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks’ library? Both the books got
burned, and one hadn’t even been colored in yet!

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