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Archive for the ‘fictional characters’ Category

Dog Joke

There was a Scottish man and Irish man and a Chinese man

the scottish man, the irish man and the chinese man all decided
to take there dogs for a walk, so off they went,

the scots man took his dog to the corner of the street and it
had a wee,

on the next corner the irish mans dog had a wee,

not once did the chinese mans dog have a wee, the scots man and
the irish man were confused and asked ” why does your dog not
wee?” The chinese man replyed

“Me not soft, me not silly, me tie not in doggies willy!”

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Queens legs

There were once three men named Bob,Jimbo and Tim.
One day Bob needed a beer so he suggested going to ‘The Old Hag’
pub nearby.
“OK” said the others and they walked for five minutes to get
there.
When they did it was shut!All they saw was one man behind the
bar.
“Oh no!” said Tim “I’m thirsty too! Lets go to ‘The Daft
Mare’,but it is quite far from here”.
“OK” said the others and they walked the 45-minute journey to
the next pub,and alas,it was shut also,except for the same man
behind the bar.”Oh SHIT!” yelled Jimbo “I’m GAGGING for a
pint,lets go to ‘The Queen’s Legs’for a beer-it’s ages away,but
never mind”.
“OK LAST ONE!” agreed everyone,and they all walked the hour’s
journey to ‘The Queen’s Legs’.
When they got there a sign on the door said:
OPEN IN FIVE MINUTES!
so they decided to wait,when suddenly they saw their friend
Willie coming long the road
“What are you doing here?”He asked
“We are waiting for “The Queen’s Legs’ to open so we can have a
drink!”said Bob,and 5mins later they walked in only to find the
man behind the bar again sitting there grinning.
“What are you grinning at?” Asked Jimbo
“CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN MAN?”He said,pointing to the right.
Jimbo turned,and sure enough there was the sign-
‘SORRY NO TRAVELLERS’ !!!!!!!!

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skateboard

There were three guys waiting to get into heaven, they were at
the pearly gates and Saint Peter told them that to get into
heaven, they had to answer one question, which was, ” Have you
been faithful to your wife?”. The first man told him, that yes,
he had been faithful and had never even thought about fooling
around. Saint Peter, gave the man a cadillac and let him in the
pearly gates. The second guy said, that yes he had been
faithful, but he did think about fooling around a couple of
times, Saint Peter gave him a bicycle and let him in the pearly
gates. The third guy stepped up, and hanging his head down, said
that he was unfaithful every chance he got, and was deeply sorry
for it. Saint Peter gave him a skateboard and let him in the
pearly gates.
Then one day, the guy on the skateboard, saw the guy in the
cadillac pulled over by a cloud and just crying his eyes out.
The skateboarder asked him why he was crying, he got the
cadillac and he shouldn’t have anything to cry about. The guy in
the cadillac looked up and said, ” I just saw my wife skateboard
by”!;)

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Mickey and Minnie

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.”

Mickey replied, “No I didn’t, I said she was fucking Goofy.”

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10 Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

1. Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on!”

2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.

3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping
and handling.

4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam
peanuts.

5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his
bead.

6. Instead of “naughty” or “nice”, Santa has him/her on the
“dork” list.

7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie
Lee.

8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard,
and I’ll put the hurt on you!”

9. Label on all kids toys read, “Straight from Craptown.”

10. Four words: “Off my lap Tubby!”

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Chocolate Melts In Your Mouth

Two men a white man and a hispanic man were driving down the
freeway when a black mans car swerved out of its lane and hit
the other car head on. All three men died on contact, and went
to hell. When they got there Satan told them that he would grab
their penis, and if it melted they would stay in hell, if it
didnt they could go to heaven. First Satan grabbed the white
mans penis and it melted, then he grabbed the asian mans penis
and also it melted. Satan feeling pretty confident strutted
over to the black guy and grabbed his penis, and held it, but
for some reason it didn’t melt, Satan feeling pretty pissed
asked why his penis didn’t melt, the black man replied
“Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand, Sir”

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Happy Dwarf’s Reaction

One day the seven dwarfs decided to go swimming and they were
all feeling happy, so Happy hopped out.

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Lost and Found

An old man in heaven comes up to Jesus Christ. “Hello, young
man,” he says, “would you help me look for my son?” Jesus Christ
smiles apologetically and says “You know, sir, Heaven is very
big, and it is awfully hard to find someone here.”

The old man says “No, I’m sure you know my son. He was very well
known and he had nails put in his hands and feet.” Jesus looks
at the man in awe and asks slowly, “Father?!” The old man,
pleased at the recognition, says, “Pinnochio?!!”

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Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
“screeched.”

2. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters
“mt”

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in
the English language.

8. “Underground” is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters “und.”

9. There are only four words in the English language which end
in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its
plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.

12. The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup
okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be abbreviated to
3.63% of its size,L.A.

14. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint – no two lions
have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
“therein”: the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy
Bezopasnosti

31. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest English word that is typed
with only the left hand.

33. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different
ways; the following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed.”

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only
have about ten.

38. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase
“Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”

39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

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Never trust a drunk american

In New York an Englishman an Irishman and an American had been
drinking, the American led the other two to the Empire State
Building, at the top the American said to the Irishman “I bet
you $100 dollars that I can jump of this building and fly around
in circles.” The Irishman says “Your on.” So the American jumps
off and flys around in circles and comes back. The Irishman says
“Oh I can do that easy.” But h jumps off and splats on the floor
below and the Englishman says “You can be a right dick once
you’ve had a drink Superman.”

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3 men…3 wishes

There were 3 men just chillen out on a bridge. Suddenly a
geenie apeared out of nowhere. The geenie said “I will grant
you each one wish.” So the first guy says, “i wanna be a bird
and fly.” the genie says, then run off the bridge and flap your
arms then you will turn into one. So he did it and it worked.
The second guy said, “i wanna be a fish and swim all day long”.
The genie said “jump in the water and start to swim.” He did it
and it worked. The third guy said, “i wanna be a bird also!”
So the genie said jump off and start to flap again. So he takes
a few steps back…he gets ready to make a huge jump…then he
runs, trips on a rock and yells “SHIT”! Then poof! He was
floating in the water as a huge pile of shit.

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Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs got on the bus.They talked for a while, and got
bored. About 20 minutes into the journey, they started feeling
sleepy.
So he got off.

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