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Archive for the ‘body & health’ Category

You suck

What did the mummy say to the vampire?
you suck!

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Running Shoes

2 men went hiking. They set the tent up when all of a sudden a
bear jumped out. Frightened,the men started to run. The first
man stopped to take his running shoes out. The other guy said
what are you doing you cant outrun a bear! The man said all i
need to outrun is you.

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Viagra

I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!

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Way of Life

1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

3. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.

4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window?

5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?

6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.

7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.

8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.

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Osama goes to Hell

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes
to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” the devil says. “You’re on my
list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to
stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a
couple of people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let
YOU decide who leaves.”

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him
into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” bin Laden said, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer
and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah
Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant
agony if all I did was break rocks all day,” bin Laden
commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head
and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden
stared in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

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Just Made It

A guy races into the men’s toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his
twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, “Phew, just made it.” The
guy next to him looks over and says, “Impressive, can you make me one too?”

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” claims Little Red Riding Hood. Again, the surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. “My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost? I’m just trying to take a dump!”

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Cubist Poo

Did you ever hear of the artist with brown fingers?
Pic-ass-o

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Dick Joke

A tomato, a pickle and a dick were arguing about who has it the worst.

The tomato says, “I have it bad because I get cut up and put in salads.”

The pickle says, “You think you have it bad. I get cut up and put on
burgers.”

Then the dick says, “You guys both got it easy. I have to put on a hat
every night and do pushups till I puke.”

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Didn’t Order a Hotdog

Two gentlemen are driving down the interstate and decide to stop
at a Truck Stop for dinner. They sit at the counter and when the
waitress arrives, both gentlemen order hamburgers.

The waitress promptly goes to the freezer, pulls out two
patties, and places one each under each arm. When asked what the
hell is going on, she calmly explains that they have no way to
defrost the patties since the microwave is broken.

One man says to the other, “Boy, I’m sure glad I didn’t order a
hotdog.”

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

– OOPS !!
– I wonder what this does!
– Hand me the saw someone!
– Did he say the right or left leg?
– It is now out of my hands…Nurse, could you grab it? It’s over there
behind the keg.
– I’d feel alot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like
back at night school.
– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
– Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
– Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
– Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
– Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
– Rats, there go the lights again…
– “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys and this guy’s got two of ’em.”
– Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
– Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration
off.
– What’s this doing here?
– That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
– I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
– Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
– What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
– Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
– And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the
ape.
– OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
– This patient has already had kids, am I correct ?
– Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?
– Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
– She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
– FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out !
– Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing !
– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
– What do you mean you want a divorce ?

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Face Lift

A women goes in for a face lift but doesnt want to have surgery. The doctor says there is a new precedure were they put a little screw in your head and everytime you see a wrinkle you just turn it to puul your skin up. The women gets the precedure. About a year later she comes back and complains about the bags under eyes. the doctor says lady those arent bags those are your boobs and if you dont leave that screw alon your gonna have a beard.

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