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Archive for the ‘jokes for nerds’ Category

Look at that dog

Bob and Ray walking down the street. Bob said, “Hey, Look at that dog with one eye!” So Ray said, “Okay!” and covered up one of his eyes!!

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician…

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with
a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible
amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a
circle and
then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”

The physicist is
next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep,
and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will
give the
smallest circular fence around the herd.”

The mathematician is last.
After
giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside!”

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Captain hook

Q: Why did Captain Hook die? A: Because he wiped his ass.

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Yet another bad set of wishes…

A man finds a lamp – rubs it and a genie pops out – he grants the man 3 wishes.

( you can make up the first 2 yourself as they are not important ) I usually use:

First he wishes to put his hand in his pockets and automatically find wads of money

Wish granted says the genie

The man puts his hands in his pockets and sure enough – wads of notes are in there. AMAZING!!

Secondly he wishes for superstar looks

Wish granted says the genie

He looks for a shop window and sees a hunk gazing back! AMAZING

For the 3rd wish – he grabs the genie and whispers in his ear

No problem says the genie

Later that night the man is sound alsleep in his bed when he is woken by loud banging at his door.

What the hell could that be?

He goes downstairs to answer it and is greeted by several men in white hoods holding a burning cross and a noose.

What the hell???

You did say you wanted to be hung like a nigger says the Ku Klux Klan guy!

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The top 6 reasons computers are female……

The top 6 reasons computers are female…

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the
corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as
informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then
I’m certainly not going to tell you”.

and the number one reason computers are female:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

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Painful joke

A girl goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, there’s something wrong wtih me. Whenever I touch my cheek it hurts. Whenever I touch my shoulder it hurts. Same with my knee cap!””Your fingers broken.”

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Programmers only deal with non-programmers…

Programmers only deal with non-programmers because when they deal
with each other they bore themselves to death.

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What a bonehead!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the Department manager…”Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.'”

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If it wasn’t for Newton, we wouldn’t have…

If it wasn’t for Newton, we wouldn’t have to eat bruised apples.

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Psychiatric Christmas Carols

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and… or
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality — Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia — Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry.
I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll Tell You Why

Depression — Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive — Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive — On the First Day of Christmas My Mother
Gave to Me…
(And Then Took it All Away)

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Food for a man

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night. After a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. ‘Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.’ She dashes out of her friend’s house; her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time. There is enough time to go to the supermarket and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf, just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! ‘Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, yum!’ And that night, they had sex for the first time in months and it was great. Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. ‘You’re going to kill him,’ they’d all say. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. ‘You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?’ The wife stoically replied, ‘Ahh, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantle while he was licking his rear.’

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In his own defence

After being sentenced to 32 years in jail for robbery, Alvin Washington of Clifton Heights, Pa., argued, successfully, that he should have a new trial because he wasn’t given the opportunity to defend himself in the first proceeding. At the second trial he was his own lawyer and this time was given an 80-year sentence.

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