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Archive for the ‘computers’ Category

MIT Grad Jobs

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years … perhaps, a red Corvette?”

The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied,

“Yeah, but you started it.”

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Redneck computer term

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

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New Year’s Resolutions For Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

3. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I resolve to back up my 10 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe…

6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

7. When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I won’t reply “MS Tech Support.”

8. I will read the manual.

9. I will think of a password other than “password.”

10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

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Mouse Balls

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM branch offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny. —- Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform eratically, it may need a ball replacement.Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

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FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn’t Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec’s AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft’s Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

”Frankly, we’ve never heard of a virus that couldn’t spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,” said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC’s infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. ”Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook,” said Nick Brown, Britain’s Agriculture Minister.

”By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere.” However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as ”I Love You,” ”Bubbleboy,” ”Anna Kournikova,” and ”Naked Wife,” to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: ”It’s not that we don’t trust the research, it’s just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established knowledge. This one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow.”

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook’s patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. ”Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, ‘Doesn’t everything?”’ she recalled.

”Who would’ve thought?”

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Space Race

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million.The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem of writing in zero gravity……used a pencil.

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Error writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

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Internet Addict

1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.
8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12. Your dog has its own home page.
13. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
14. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check
it again.
15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.
17. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.
18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2
months.
19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because
“Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a
job.
21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and
mouse.
22. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to
bed.”
23. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher.”
24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP… because you never log off.
25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line
so the two of you can chat.
28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

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Twenty-nine year olds

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-nine year olds?
Because there are twenty of them.

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Types of computer viruses

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

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Bill Gates’ Wedding Night

What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on his wedding night?

“Now I know why you called your company Microsoft”

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New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

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