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Archive for the ‘riddles’ Category

Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish?…

Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish?

– Because he could’t Ketchup.

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Bzz…plop

Q: What goes “Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz plop?”

A: A bee laughing it’s head off!

Q: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?

A: To avoid falling into the hot cocoa!

Q: What’s small, purple, and dangerous?

A: A grape with a gun!

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You Gotta Be Joking

1. If Miss Issippi bought a New Jersey for Miss Ourri, What
would Della wear?

2. Why was the tomato blushing?

3. What do you call twin brothers?

4. What color do you paint the sun and the wind?

5. What is the leader of all tools?

ANSWERS—————————————————-

1. I don’t know but I’ll ask her (Alaska).

2. It saw the salad dressing.

3. A sunset.

4. The sun rose and the wind blue.

5. The ruler.

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Yo Mamma (bunch of oneliners)

Yo Mama so dump she looked at an orange juice box for 2 hrs. just because it said CONCENTRATEYo Mama so fat she just fatYo Mama so ugly hell started to cryYo Mama so fat Jupiter got jealousYo Mama so fat she got hit by a parked carYo Mama so desperate she told me that she would give me a blow job for a quarter.Yo Mama so dump she went to the SUPER BOWL with a spoon.Yo Mama so horny she’s on the fence sayin’ here kitty kitty.Yo Mama so ugly she too ugly.Yo Mama so dump she went to the salon for a facial.

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Some mildly amusing one liners…

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
A courtroom artist was arrested today. The details are sketchy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a trace.
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … – 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? – Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! – For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! – Black holes are where God divided by zero. – All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. – I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Football Riddles

Q:Why Doesn’t Iowa have a pro football team?A:Because then Chicago would want one too.Q:What do you call a QB that just got sacked by Gilbert brown?A:Road KillQ:What do the call a drug circle in Dallas?A:a HuddleQ:Why can’t Michael Irvin be in the huddle anymore?A:His probation doesn’t allow him to be around known felonsQ:Why did the bears want to sign Michael Irvin?A:They already had a Fridge now they want a coke machine

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Joy

Why do they put the soap detergaint Joy on the top shelf?

So that you jump for Joy.

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Elvis’s Last Hit

What was Elvis’s last hit?

The bathroom floor!!!!

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Why did the bride wear her ring on the wrong…

Why did the bride wear her ring on the wrong
hand?

Because she married the wrong person.

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DNA stands for what?

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

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Lay an Egg

If a rooster lays an egg right on the point of a roof, which way does it
roll down?

Roosters doesn’t lay eggs!

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A bunch of Palindromes

Dennis sinned.Dennis and Edna sinned.Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.Lonely Tylenol.If I had a hi-fi.Rise to vote, sir.Bombard a drab mob.Emit no tot on time.O, stone, be not so.Lager, sir, is regal.No, it is opposition.Pull up if I pull up.Niagara, O roar again.Yawn a more Roman way!A car, a man, a maraca.Rot can rob a born actor.Sit on a potato pan, Otis!Rats live on no evil star.Ma is as selfless as I am.Suppository rot; I sop pus.Ten animals I slam in a net.Some men interpret nine memos.Eros? Sidney, my end is sore!Lived on Decaf, Faced no Devil.I, man, am regal; a German am I.Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog.Tulsa nightlife: filth, gin, a slut.Dog, as a devil deified, lived as a god.Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts.Now, Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?To: Dr., et al. / Re: Grub / Ma had a hamburger / Later, Dot.Doc, note, I dissent: a fast never prevents a fatness; I diet on cod.T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name: gnat dirt upset on drab pot-toilet.

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