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Archive for the ‘lawyers’ Category

WEST VIRGINIA

Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, “Mary is so young and pretty she might be
taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don’t we teach
her what’s right and what’s wrong?”
“Great idea,” said the partner. You teach her what’s right.”

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Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!”

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No-one home

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?””Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.”So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?””Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

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How Far Was It?

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting
cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit
that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While
the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in
exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the
credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations,
he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident happened?”

“I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter�s inches away from the point
of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?” the lawyer asked,
sarcastically, “Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and
your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can
come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all
lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying
if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out
the exact distance.”

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Lawyer Lightbulb

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many can you afford?

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Lawyer Vacancy

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Paul.Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.”I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?””I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.”Your hands? What do you mean?””Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

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bites

Why don’t sharkes and snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

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Consultation

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop
and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and
asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I
have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,”
the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99
for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word,
writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing
through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read
“Consultation: $25.00.”

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Courtroom Gaffes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

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Czechs and Lawyers

A lawyer asked a Czechoslovakian friend of his to go hunting one day. While strolling thru the woods a grizzly bear attacked them. While the bear ate the Czech… the lawyer managed to escape. He ran to the forest rangers cabin.

After telling the ranger what had happenned… the ranger said… ‘You’ll have to go with me and identify the bear.’ The ranger grabbed his rifle and the lawyer followed him back into the woods. It didn’t take long to find the bear… but he was with a female bear at the time.

The ranger took aim… and asked the lawyer: ‘Which one is it… the male or the female?’.

The lawyer said the male. Then all of a sudden .. BANG! The female bear fell to the ground and died. The lawyer perplexed and confused asked the ranger: ‘Why did you shot the female? I said it was the male.’

To which the ranger replied: ‘Do you really expect me to believe: a “lawyer” saying… the Czech is in the male?’

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Are You Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.””Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

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A few good lawyers

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in
line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?”

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