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Archive for the ‘governenment’ Category

Title Dating Back to Its Origin

For those of you who have had to deal with governmental
agencies, this will strike a familiar and then satisfying
chord…..

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was
told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The
title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer
three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which
you have prepared and presented the application, we must point
out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral
proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it
will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended further
than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was
unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly
those working in the property area, would not know that
Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492
by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles,
almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund
Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is
commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made
that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be
the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be
satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

They got it.

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The Democratic Party Symbol

Did you notice that the symbol for the Democratic Party is a
jackass?

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Castaway: "Final Thoughts"

“Have been here 1,500 days, heard Bush stole election- have
decided to stay.”

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Osama Lala’s

What do Osama’s men say after he gets real drunk and has a wild
time?
Osama’s Bin Lala

What is Osama spelled backwards sound like?
Amaso (I’m asshole)

THE TALIBAN SONG (sung to the song of Proud to be American)

Oh we control the country,
From the caves to the city,
We stand for buttheadism,
And they can’t take that away!
‘Cause we’re scared not to be Taliban,
Where we live in fear each day,
We can’t forget Osama the ass,
Who gave that plight to stay,
And we’re thinking of switching sides,
Very soon,
Perhaps even today,
There’s no doubt I hate this place,
Allah curse the Taliban

GOD BLESS THE USA!

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The Clintons

Whay does Hillary always get on top during sex?

Because Bill can only fuck up.

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Apply for Social Security

Old Pa Jones tells old Ma Jones that he’s going into town to
apply for social security. Ma says, “But Pa, you don’t have a
birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?” “Now don’t
you worry, Ma.” said Pa, and leaves for town.

Sure enough he’s back in a few hours and reports that he’ll be
getting the first check in three weeks. “So how’d ya prove your
age?” asks Ma. “Easy,” says Pa, smiling, “I just unbuttoned my
shirt and showed ’em all the gray hair on my chest.” “Well,
while you were at it,” Scolds Ma, “why didn’t you drop your
pants and apply for disability?”

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Two-Cow Explanation

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

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Pope in NYC

The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up — he is, after all, the Pope.

The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says
“OK, OK, get in the back, I’ll drive.” The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.

He calls up his superior officer, and tells him “I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can’t give him a ticket.”

“Well, why not?”

“He’s too important”

“Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?”

“No, no, no. Much more important than that.”

“Well, was it Donald Trump?”

“No, no, no. Much more important than that.”

“Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States.”

“No, no, no. Much more important than than.”

By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled “Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!”

To which the policeman nervously replied “Well, I don’t know,
but he’s got the Pope for a driver!”

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If You’re A Democrat You Believe:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
funding.

2. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on
demand – in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing
the innocent.

3. You have to believe that the same overpaid public school
idiot who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.

4. You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes
and doctors are overpaid.

5. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding
Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands
of the Red Chinese.

6. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of
the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but
being gay is natural.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature but
pasty-faced, fey activists who’ve never been outside Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians,
start wars.

13. You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+
channels can’t deliver the programming quality PBS does.

14. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good,
because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are
too high.

16. You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and
Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

17. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but
racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

18. You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous
than HIV.

19. You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black
people couldn’t make it without your help.

20. You have to believe that the only reason democratic
socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the
right people haven’t been in charge.

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Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers that I have actually seen:

Official Government Policy: If it ain’t broke, fix it till’ it
is.

Just because you’re child was an honor student doesn’t mean you
know anything.

If you can read this than your close enough that I could slam
and my brakes and sue you.

(T-Shirt on a Motorcyclist) If you can read this than the bitch
fell off.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

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Clocks

Hilary Clinton got hit by a bus and went up to heaven. To get in
though, she had to go see St. Peter. When she was in his office
she saw a bunch of clocks. “What are all these clocks for?” she
asked
“Oh, those are lying clocks. When a person lies the hand
moves.” St. Peter said
“Where’s my husband’s?” inquired Hilary. And Peter replied
“Oh. It’s in God’s office. They’re using it as a fan.”

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Doctor’s Convention Year 00-01

Every year the top doctors of all the nations meet at this huge
convention. Yeah, there’s short classes, etc. which they attend,
but the real reason there always there is to “out do” each
other. Well, this year at the convention, four doctors got to
talking (bragging).

The doctor from China says “Yep, let me tell ya fellas..our
country is so advanced…we can do a liver transplant, and have
the person out looking for a job in a month!” and then not to be
outdone, the doc. from Japan says….”Shew, that’s nothin’…our
country is so advanced, we can do a heart transplant..and have
em’ out lookin’ for a job in 2 weeks!” and then, not to be
outdone of course, the doctor from Russia says “Why that’s
nothing, our country is so advanced, we can do a liver
transplant, AND a heart transplant..and have em’ out looking for
a job in a week!

And then the doctor from the USA, says “Why you all are
pathetic…I’ve got ya all beat by a long shot! Our country is
so advanced….we can take an asshole out of Texas, and put in
the Whitehouse, and have the whole nation lookin’ for a job the
very next day!

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