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Archive for the ‘holidays’ Category

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle.

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The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)

15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.

13> Not to be confused with “Poke You Man” by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.

12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.

9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.

8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!

7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

5> For eternal use only.

4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.

3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.

2> Replacement blades and toes not included.

1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :
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Twas the Night Before

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin’ on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, ”Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, ”Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, ”Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
”Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

”Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
”Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

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12 Days of Christmas sent from Mexico

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,

7 pints of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

11 boxes of Chicklets.

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

12 Bottles of Corona.

11 boxes of Chicklets.

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

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The Top 15 Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy

15> Lil’ Pill-Poppin’ Rush

14> The Incredible Sulk

13> Terrence, the Contagious Toll Collector

12> Saddam Hussein in a Flowery Island Shirt Holding a Pina Colada

11> Fat Lost by Carnie Wilson

10> The Politician Formerly Known as Governor Davis

9> Cellulite-Riddled Nudist

8> Mike Wallace and Camera Crew

7> Rupturing-Pustules Baywatch Babe With Realistic Festering Action!

6> “Sexy” Altar Boy

5> Left-Wing Monster GloriAl FrankenSteinem

4> Martha Stewart Prison-Bitch Barbie

3> LevitraMan

2> I-Just-Knocked-Your-Daughter-Up Guy

1> SpongeBob SoiledPants

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The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

15> To Kill A Walking Bird

14> My Best Friend’s Dressing

13> Thighs Wide Shut

12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11> Casserolablanca

10> The Fabulous Baster Boys

9> 12 Hungry Men

8> Silence of the Yams

7> For Love of The Game Hen

6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5> All the President’s Menu

4> White Meat Can’t Jump

3> When Harry Met Salad

2> The Story of U.S.

1> The Wing and I

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :
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Fuck Valentine’s Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore….
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here’s my story…what else can I say?
Love bites my ass….Fuck Valentine’s Day

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Santa Cluase was

Santa Cluase was arrested yesterday because he blew-up a chlidren’s hospital. HE said he did it because he was tired of them damn kids asking for a poney and a bike.Why cant they just ask for a barbie or a toy car like every other kid,and when i get to there place there is no food for me there is a empty plate with crumbs on it and an empty glass with a drop of milk.So I get mad.

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Santa on Trial

Santa on Trial

You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:

Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole

Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go

Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker’s Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees

You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year

Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly

Failing to file a flight plan for your travels

Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year

Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up

And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver’s or pilot’s licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.

Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?

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Snowman

Don’t eat dirty snow…Snowman (403K)Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

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Christmas Party

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, “I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, ‘cos I’ve just won a shit-load of money, and I’m leaving!”

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

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Ways to Torture Your Roommate

Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.

Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, ”Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”

Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say ”you’ve been very naughty this year.”

Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. ”You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)

Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

Sing: ”All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth…”

Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically ”it didn’t work!”

Whip your roomate screaming ”now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling ”Bah Humbug!”

Wake up every morning screaming ”Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”

Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.

Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends ”give it a yank.”

Ring jingle bells maniacally saying ”every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

Stand in front of the mirror reciting ”How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.

Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, ”he sees you when you’re sleeping…”

Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her ”I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”

When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

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