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Archive for the ‘irish / british’ Category

Never Trust a Corkman

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures “in for a penny – in
for a pound,” and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he’s from,
and he says, “Cork.” “Wow,” she says, “Me too! – what part?”
“Montenotte,” he says. “Jesus, that’s amazing,” she says, “Which
street?” To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
“This is uncanny,” she says, “what number?” “Number 20.” “You
are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22!
My parents still live there!” “I know”, he says. “Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!”

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ouch!

A man walks into a bar

Ouch!

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Haunted Bathroom

One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were waiting
to go to the toilet. The first one to enter the bathroom was the
English man. He was just about to do his buisness when all of a
sudden he froze. He had heard a voice, a chilling, spinetingling
whisper. He then looked around and saw no body. By now he had
already lost concentration of where he was aiming for and wet
himself. But he was to scared to move. He then heard it again,
he heard it more clearly this time. It said “I’m going to rip
your legs off and eat you!”.
by this time the English man had ran and jumped out of the open
window and landed on the ground outside, dead! He had fallen 20
ft out of an apartment building.

Next the Scott couldn’t wait any longer and came in after the
Emglish man. But found nothing. He was ready to do his buisness
when he to heard a voice. He thought it was the English man in
one of the cubicles, but when he searched he found no-one. he
then countinued relieving himself until again he heard the
voice. He was now scared stiff as he could see no one and could
here some one. The voice was saying, “I’m going to rip off your
arms and your legs and eat you.” And with all the Scotts
wisdom… he jumped out the window.

Now the Irish man, as stupid as he may be, decided to
investigate what was going on. He went inside the door and
straight away he coudl feel a presence in the room with him. he
then began to search the bathroom from top till bottom until he
heard the voice. It said, “I’m going to rip off your arms, your
legs and your head, then i’m goin to eat you!” the Irish man
wasn’t scared abit. The next thing you know he looked in the
cupboard where all the medicines are kept to find a small child
eating gummy bears!

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The S.A.S.

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
“Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards”, said one.
“In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard”, said the other.
“We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her”, said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
“Jaysus but that fuckin gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!”

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Walk up the Beam of Light

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they’re captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!”

“FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I’M NOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I
CAN’T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!”

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!”

“OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!”

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!”

“YA CAN’T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU’LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I’M HALF
WAY UP!”

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Welsh Farmer

A hiker is walking through the fields of Wales when he sees a
Welsh farmer holding a sheep. The sheep seems to be in some
distress so the hiker wanders over to the farmer to enquire what
he is doing. “Are you shearing?” asks the man “No, get your
own!!!” came the reply.

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Fully Erected Irish

What would happen if an Irish was walking blindfolded towards a
brick wall with a fully erect penis?

He’d break his nose.

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Drinking with the Brothers

An Irish man went to a pub and asked for 4 pints of beer. The
bartender recommended that the Irish man get the pints one at a
time so that he could enjoy each one before it gets hot. The
Irish man said he wanted all four at a time to remind him when
his three brothers used to drink with him before they moved to
America.

This continued everyday and the bartender learned a lot about
the Irishman and his three brothers, the man ordering 4 pints at
each sitting.

One day the Irish man walks into the pub and only orders 3
pints. The bartender goes up to the man and says, “I’m really
sorry about your loss. I know how much you loved your brothers.

The Irish man told him not to worry, his brothers were fine, “I
just gave up drinking.”

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Irishman Falling Down

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

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Stinking, Drunken, and Closefisted

A stinking Brit, a drunken Irishman, and a closefisted Scot go
out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on
the top of their mugs.The stinking Brit says, “Bartender, can I
have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The
drunken Irishman says, “Get out of there!” and flicks the fly
away with a finger. The closefisted Scot picks up the fly with
his fingers and says, “Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!”

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Noisy Neighbors

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to
go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said
good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was
holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Shamus told her, “but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in
the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall
until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me
stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right
below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his
mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Shamus. “I’m usually
up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

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Sandwiches

There once was this American, Scottish man, and Irishman who all
used to work together at the same building site, and each day
they would sit out on a steel girder 40 floors high and eat
their lunches.

One day the american opens his lunch up and says, “fucken
baloney, I have had it everyday for the past 5 years, and if I
get it again tomorrow, I am gonna jump off this steel girder!!!”

The scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
sandwich, I have had lettuce sandwiches for the past 10 years
and I am sick to death of them, if I get lettuce tomorrow I too
am gonna jump off this steel girder”.

The Irish man says, “bloody fucken cheese again, if I fucken get
cheese tomorrow I too am gonna jump!!”.

The next day, once again the three men go out and sit on the
girder to eat their lunches.

The american opens up his lunch and says, “fucken baloney again,
fuck that, I have had enough!!!”, and with that he jumps off the
steel girder to his death.

The Scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
again, to hell with it!!”, and he too jumps off the steel girder.

The Irishman opens his lunch and says, “bloody fucken crappy
cheese again, fuck that and fuck me, I have had enough!!!”, and
he too jumps off the steel girder to his death.

The next day at the combined funeral the three wives are sitting
there together sobbing. The American’s wife says to the other
two, “I didn’t realise he had a problem with baloney, all he had
to do was say something and I would have made something
different for him!!”.

The Scootish mans wife also says, “I too did not realise there
was a problem, all he had to do was say something and I would
have made him something different!!”

The Irishmans wife then says, “well I am not exactly sure of
what the problem was with my husband, he used to get up every
morning and make his own lunch!!!!”.

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