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Archive for the ‘education’ Category

The Taste Test

In a first grade class the teacher was teaching the five senses. When the
teacher got to the sense of taste, she had taste test for the students.
Steve was up first. The teacher put a piece of orange in Steve’s mouth and
asked, “Okay Steve, what is it?” Steve replied, “Oh that’s easy! It’s
orange.”

The teacher put a picece of apple in Steve’s mouth and asked, “Okay Steve,
what is it?” Stve replied, “This is easy too! It’s apple.”

The teacher then put a Hershes Kiss chocolate in Steve’s mouth and asked,
“What is it?” Steve replied, “I’m not sure. I don’t know.” The teacher
gave Steve a clue, “It’s something that mommy gives daddy every night
before she goes to bed.” All of a sudden Johny yells out from the back of
the room, “Spit it out Steve! It’s a piece of ass!”

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Ozenal

One day little Johnny’s teacher walked up to her class and she
asks them to think of a sentence with the word Ozenal in it. So
after a few minutes she asks “Who wants to read their sentence
out loud?”

She sees Johnny’s hand but she doesn’t want to ask him because
Johnny has a bad mouth so she looks at around some more.

“Sally, why don’t you tell us your sentence?” the teacher asks.
So Sally stands up and says: “Mommy made lunch and cut her
finger and she put ozenal on it to make it feel better.” “That’s
very good Sally,” the teacher says, she looks over and sees
Billy waving his hand in the air.

“Billy, what is your sentence?” she asks. Billy says: “I was
skateboarding in the park when I fell and my Mom put ozenal on
my knee to make it better.” “That’s very good Billy.”

Finally the teacher gives in and asks little Johnny what his
sentence is… “My dad had a headache and my mom was vacuuming
the floor and my dad shouted ‘IF YOU DONT STOP THAT DAMN THING
I’LL SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS—HOSE ‘N ALL!!”

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Kid Readiness Test

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family
size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back
seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There,
perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You
won’t be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.

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American History Class

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'” She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said
the boy.

“Very good! Now,” said the teacher, “who said ‘Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth’?” Again, no response except from Suzuki, “Abraham
Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.” As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, “Damned Japanese.” “Who
said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca,
1982,” he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki’s
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna
throw up.” The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now, who
said that?” Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, “George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”

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In the Park

There was this boy and girl that are about 5 years old that look
at each other naked in the park each day. The girl comes home
and say, “Mommy what’s this?” The Mom replied, “That’s your
garage, don’t ever let a boy put his limousine in your garage”

The boy went home and asked his father the same thing, “Daddy
what’s this?” The father replied, “That’s you limousine, don’t
ever put your limousine in a girls garage.”

So the next day they go to the park and look at each other
naked. The girl comes home with bloody hands and her mom asks
what happened. The girl replied, “He tried to put his limousine
in my garage so I ripped his 2 front wheels off.”

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Advise From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”
don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your
hair. – Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room
as your school assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
– Kyoyo, 9

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
– Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
– Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

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Johny Deeper

Johny Deeper is a Freshman in high school and has a hot,
blonde female teacher. He’s decided its time to make his move.
After school one day Johny stays after school. He goes up to
his teacher and says to her, take off your clothes. She says
no. Johny said , well if you don’t I’ll tell my mama, my mama
will tell my daddy, the principle and you’ll get fired. The
dumb blonde teacher unwillingly takes of her clothes. Then
Johny tells the teacher to get on the desk and screw him. She
says no. Johny said , well if you don’t I’ll tell my mama, my
mama will tell my daddy, the principle and you’ll get fired.
The teach once again submits and does what he told her to do.
When they are screwing on the desk Johny’s parents come in to
see were Johny was. Johny’s dad screams Johny Deeper!

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Poor Kid

First grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in
the sand box.” Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if
you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She
does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Alice
in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box’ correctly on
blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a
cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I
tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher
says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’
I’ll give you a cookie.”

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Being an Australian

This is was actually true………….

There was once a girl named ‘Rebecca’ who asked this other girl
‘Sophie’ a question….

And this is how it goes:

Rebecca: Sophie, are you a vegetarian?
Sophie: Of course not……..because I’m an Austalian!!

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LIttle Johnny

One Friday afternoon little Johnny was sitting in his classroom
waiting for the beel to ring when the teacher said “Alright
class now comes the question of the week. Whoever can answer
this will get to go home early. The question is… What color
is the sky?”
One little kid raises his hand and says “Blue”
“No i’m sorry,thats not it”
Another kid says “Grey”
“Sorry thats not it either”
Another kid says “It blue and grey”
“Thats not it either. Well if no one else has an answer, its
black”
When little johnny got home he thought to himself “Man i wish i
could get that so i could get out of school” so he thought of a
plan the whole next week.
Next friday the teacher said”ok it time for the question of the
week.”
Just then little Johnny rolled two black balls to the front of
the classroom.
The teacher said “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black
balls?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says “Chris Rock,see you
monday”

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Weird Humor

Here are some twisted jokes, try to find the meaning of them
(answers are below)

1. Why can’t an American photographer take a picture of an Asian
with a hat?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. What’s the next letter in the series?: W T N _?
4. A boy and his father are driving home. They have to cross
some train tracks. That day the stop lights for the tracks were
broke and they didn’t know a train was coming. A train hit
them. They were rushed to the hospital where the father died.
The son had to have immediate surgery. The surgeon took one look
at the boy and said “I can’t operate on him because he’s my
son!” how can that be?
5. Before you go into the bathroom you’re American. When you’re
in the bathroom, what are you?

Answers below:
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
Answers:
1. You need a camera to take a picture, not a hat!
2. Most people have only one birth day.
3. It’s WTNL (What’s The Next LETTER)
4. The surgeon was his mother.
5. European (you’re a peeing!) 🙂

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Maths Exam

A university Maths professor had to compose an exam to give his students
at the end of the year. He was a bit lazy, so he set the following exam:

———-
“Compose a math examination suitable for students to sit, and
solve all questions giving suitable examples.”
———-

That was all.

He handed out the exam to his students and gave them three hours to
complete it. However, after just a couple of minutes one student stood up,
handed in his paper and left the room.

That student got an “A”. But how?

Well, here’s what the student wrote:

MATHS EXAM

Question 1.

Compose a math examination suitable for students to sit, and solve all
questions giving suitable examples.

Correct Answer:

Compose a math examination suitable for students to sit, and solve all
questions giving suitable examples.

End.

He figured that if that exam was good enough for a university professor to
set his students, it was certainly good enough to use as an example!

In the future, the professor banned that specific answer from the exams.

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