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Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

Since Americans throw rice at

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

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Why is it called rush

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow? Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped? Why is abreviation such a long word? If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? Why do they report power outages on TV?

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If space is a vacuum,

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

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Why is the word “abbreviate”

Why is the word “abbreviate” so long? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for “thesaurus”? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

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Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Corduroy pillows: they’re making headlines!

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When I’m not in my

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. I intend to live forever — so far, so good! Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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Growing old is mandatory, but

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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So what’s the speed of

So what’s the speed of dark? Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

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Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?Can you

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Did Noah keep his bees in archives?Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

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If you shoot a mime,

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? Why call it “take” a dump, when you leave something behind? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

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Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?

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Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?

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