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Archive for the ‘movies & tv’ Category

Things the Movies Really Teach Us

3rd base does not feel like apple pie, it feels like vulcanized
rubber. This can lead to much pain with continued thrusting.

You can get anywhere with a little luck and a box of chocolates.
Hard work, intelligence, its all crap.

If you are a brave heart, shut up now. You’ll only get you and
your girlfriend killed. Also true for gladiators.

Never, EVER, choose the fish over the boat. Perfect Storms tend
to destroy both.

If you find an old book with ancient writing on it, rumored to
be the book of the dead, Do Not Open!

If the most experienced, smartest, most powerful jedi you know
says no, for goodness sakes, don’t do it.

Finally, something good comes from fantasizing about 12 yr old
American Beauties. (for all you counting on #1, don’t bloody try
it. Odds are you will get a 300 pound gay roommate named Bubba)

If your teacher gives you a bad grade, he/she’s probably an
alien.

Ugly mullet-haired freak gets Brittany Daniel, Moron of the year
recipient gets Rachel Leigh Cook. There’s hope for me yet!!!

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Yo Mama at the Movies

Yo’ mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies, they open up a
seperate snack bar just for her.

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George of the Jungle vs Titanic

Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset
you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently stumbled across this exciting news.

GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley
but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the
day with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day
with him.

GEORGE: Ursula sees George’s sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey.
TITANIC: Rose sees Jack’s sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.

GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursula’s mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose’s mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed “King of the Jungle.”
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed “King of the World”

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn
out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art
and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he
does.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the
limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the
bow.

GEORGE: “George just lucky I guess”
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies.
TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had
been locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying
their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.

GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of
movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the
magic of movies.

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hot

is it hot in here or am i sweatin!

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The boy who couldn’t talk

There once was a boy who had a voice, but never chose to speak.
That is because his parents once told him if he opened his
mouth, spiders would crall in. He hated spiders. Well one day he
took a walk with his mom. But what he didn’t know, is she and
the boys dad set up a joke to make him speak. Well the dad was
secretly hiding behind a tree and then he poured out a bottle of
spiders. And, as planed, they cralled all over the boys mom. She
was screaming to him to get help. When he found his dad, he was
going to tell him, but when he opened his mouth, spiders flew in
and bit his insides and killed him. The parents didn’t know how
that happened. They decided to have another child, but not tell
him about his other brother and the spiders…

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Austin Powers Tiff

From USA Today, June 23 1999

Tamatha Brannon of suburban Atlanta said Tuesday that she has
filed an obscenity complaint against Toys’R’Us because her
11-year-old son picked up an Austin Powers doll that asked, “Do
I make you horny, baby, do I?” Exposure to the doll forced a
vocabulary word on her son “that he otherwise would never have
known to ask,” Brannon says. McFarlane Toys, maker of the doll,
says the shipping of a version of its Austin Powers toy intended
for specialty stores, not mass-market retailers such as
Toys’R’Us, was “an isolated event of human error.” The version
that Toys R Us carries instead asks, “Would you fancy a shag?”
Shag is British slang for sexual relations.

This really isn’t that unusual of a story, except the part where
they say what the Toys’R’Us model says. Is there really that
much of a difference?!

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Fun things to do with your tv

Adjust the tint so that the people are green and insist to
others that “you like it like that”
Fiddle with all the knobs constintly
Change chanels 5 minutes before the end of each show
Take it everywhere with you
Name it
When anyone else touches the remote shriek “THATS MINE!”
Ask the people on call in shows for dates
Watch the commercials but never watch the shows
At the climax of a show “accidently” muteit until it is over
Stand in front of someone when they are watching the tv
One word” Documentries
Watch only reruns of shows
Tell people what will happen in the show your watching
Turn the tv off when guests are over and tell them you won’t
turn it on until it apologizes
Dress it differently every day
When watching a sports show comment to your friends that “I
could do better”
Make you friends watch you video of how clay is made again, and
again, and again, and again.

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Medieval Pickup Lines (part 1)

Medieval Pick-Up Lines

“Hey, Princess, you wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?”

“Been there, slain that.”

“Your hovel or mine?”

“Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my longsword in action?”

“Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire
stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine
Sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to
the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace
like some lost child cold and alone in the dark… So, you wanna fuck???”

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What I Learned From Horror Movies

If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation…..always
remember this.

1. If you say “I’ll be right right back”…….you’re not coming
back.

2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you…. it’s
not the wind…and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.

4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.

5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.

6. Black dudes alway die first.

7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!

8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT…….Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes………Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????

9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy…..she’s wrong, he is the
killer and you’re next………..DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.

10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,”too” young, or act timid……they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.

11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options….the door outside or upstairs…..please,
for god-sake don’t go upstairs.

12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it’s time to buy coffee…..I mean come
on, haven’t you seen Freddy Kruger!

13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.

14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer……SMART ONE!!

15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside…….why bother???? They’ve already found a way in.

16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily….no, it’s not your kid brother playing tricks…..and
it doesn’t help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead…….and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.

17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.

18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here……eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.

19. Screaming won’t help…….usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.

20. When check noices……bring some kind of a
weapon………no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing….Noices don’t just happen.

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Star Trek vs. Toilet Paper

What does Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in Common?

They both go aroung Uranus (your anus) looking for Cling-ons (Klingons).

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Questions, Questions

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on
“Start”?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a ‘s’ in it?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish
washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t
drink and drive?

Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a
paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.

Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any invading alien
civilization.

Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a
story that affects you personally at that precise moment you
turn the television on.

Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a
conversation, never in the middle.

Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he
has been suspended from duty.

Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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Top 5 reasons why to buy a gamecube!

1.It has a cool handle on the back.
2.You can carry it to a friends house.
3.It has a cool multi-collored controler.
4.It is cheap,purple,and square.
5.Xbox is way better than gaycube!

If you have any other opinions refer to #5.

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