Archive for the ‘american’ Category


And husband and wife are driving down the road and the wife says
“Honey, are you cheating on me?” He hesitates and says “Yes
dear, im so sorry” Then all the sudded the wife pulls her
husbands pocket knife out and cuts off his pecker and throughs
it out the window. Following behind them is a little girl and
her father. The pecker hits the wondow and bounces off. The
lillte girl says “Did you see that dad?!” The dad replys “yes
sweetie, it was a bug” Then the little girl says “Did you see
the size of the dick on that bug?!?!”

This joke is kinda lame but i was bored!!!

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this girl went on a matchmaking website, and put an ad there.
after a week, three people had responded. so she told them her
address and gave each a time to stop by at her house. they had to
tell her the most interesting thing that happened to them this
week, and the one with the most interesting one is the person
she would go out with. so the next day the first guy showed up
while she was in the shower so she put on a towel and asked “so
what’s up?”. the
guy responded “my dog had puppies!”. she gave him a look and
slammed the door in his face. when the next guy arrived, she got
out of the shower put on the towel, and went out.she asked him
the same question that she asked the first guy. this person
resonded”i won a thousand dollars”! “Cool” was all she said, and
closed the door. when the last person arrived, she was still in
the shower. as she was about to put on the towel,she remebered
the guy was blind.”whats the use of a towel”?, she thought. as
she opened the door he was wearing dark sunglasses(the ones
where you can’t see out of them). she asked him the question,
and he said” well i just got back from the docter, and… I CAN
SEE!!!!”. he yanked off the glasses and he immediatly got a

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Your Mama is Like A(n)..

Your Mama is Like A(n)…
…Hardware store, 5 cents a screw.
…Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick.
…Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop.
…vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the
…Shotgun, two cocks and she’s loaded.
…Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country.
…Door Knob, evryone gets a turn.
…Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her.
…Lettuce, 25 cents a head.
…Tricycle, she’s easy to ride.
…McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide.
…Carpender’s dream, flat as a board and east to nail.
…Fan, she’s always blowing someone.
…5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain’t that hard to score.
…Turtle, once she’s on her back she’s fucked.
…Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece.
…Squirrel, she’s always got some nuts in he mouth.
…Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, there’s no wrong way to eat her.
…Bag of Potato Chips, ” Free-To-Lay “
…the Sun, look at her to long and you’ll go blind.
…Bowling Ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the
gutter, and she still comes back for more.

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Dirty Wal

One day little Bill’s parets were having a party. The family
was very busy so his mom told him to go play outside, but DON’T
go anywhere near the Dirty Wall. Bill goes to play and goes to
the dirty wall, disobeying his mother. While at the wall he
sees the word “shit” so he goes back to his house and asks his
brother Matt what the word meant,” er….um… the word
means…ummm…. food, yes food, shit means food.” says his 19
year old brother, so he says ok bye and goes back to the wall.
now he sees the word “assholes” so he goes home and asks is
sister Kirsty what assholes meant, ” umm…it means…um…
people, ya thats it people, but if anyone asks i never told you”
so he says ok and goes back to the wall, he sees “fucking” so he
asks his cousin, what does fucking mean, his cousin goes baserk,
but says ” umm u shouldnt know this but umm, lets just say it
means getting ready, yes it means GETTING READY! he says okay
and right when he was gonna go back to the dirty wall for the
fourth time the guests arive, his mom, yelling from upstairs,
tells him to open the door, and he says,” Hello assholes, my
name is Bill your probably coming for the party, well my mom and
dad are upstairs fucking but they’ll be down here in a few
minutes cause they’ve been up there for hours! Anyway there’s
some really good shit on the table that my mom made before she
started fucking with my dad that you can eat and they’ll be down
any minute now.”

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If the entire population of China jumped off of a 1 foot step
ladder at the exact same moment, an earthquake of 10 on the
Richter scale would be felt in the United States of America.

But, since the population of China is three times that of the
US, if the entire population of the USA jumped off of a
three-foot step ladder at the same time, at the exact right
moment, that earthquake would be sent back to China.

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A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of

“Mais oui!, of course!” responds the Frenchman.

“Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

“And what about steaks?” he continues. “Do you eat all parts of

“Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman.

“You don`t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France.”

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, “And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?”

“Hey, we throw them away of course,” says the American.

“Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

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Whos driving?

There was an American and a british guy in a car whos driving?


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A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas

A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America’s fifth largest city)

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.

3. All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has
no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
“scenic drive.”

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh,
we’re in Fort Worth!!”

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone…people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and

21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.

23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

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Democrat Pups

One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a
Democrat senator was coming in three weeks.
“Is there anything you all want to tell him?”
One little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Susie?”
“Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Democrates.”

So finally he came and the teacher said “Susie, what did you
want to tell the senator?”

“Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago.”

“And what are they?”

“They’re ALL Republican!”

“Susie, you told me they were all Democrates.”

“Yes, well, that was three weeks ago. They have their eyes open

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Californians Are Mad!

An open letter to the rest of America:

America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because
California doesn’t have enough electricity to meet its needs.
The rest of the country (including George W. Bush’s energy
secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer
through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in
Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine
with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough
power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians’
frivolity. Well, everybody. Here’s how it really is:

California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per
person. California grows more than half the nation’s fruit, nuts
and vegetables. We’re keeping them. We need something to eat
when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the
nation’s almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives,
persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you
won’t miss them. California is the nation’s number one dairy
state. We’re keeping our dairy products. We’ll need plenty of
fresh ones since our refrigerators can’t be relied upon. Got

We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in
state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough
electricity, which you’re apparently keeping for yourselves, we
just plain don’t have enough software to spare. We’re keeping
all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the
commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you
want to go. When yours wear out, you’d better hope Boeing’s
Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn’t enough
electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we
need ourselves. And while we’re at it, we’re keeping all our
high tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons
systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake
up under the rule of some foreign kook. Oh, yeah, and if you
want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite
components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get
back in the habit of writing letters. Want to see a blockbuster
movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since
we’ll now have to make them with our own electricity, we’re
keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs,
printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities
are all here.

Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons
per year. We’ll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we
think about the fact that no matter how many California products
we export to make the rest of America’s lives better, America
can’t see its way clear to help us out with a little
electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine. You all
complain that we don’t build enough power plants. Well, you
don’t grow enough food, write enough software, make enough
movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make
enough wine. This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up
before it’s too late.

The Californians

“I love California – I practically grew up in Phoenix.” -Dan

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A Texan Farmer in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?”

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Creation Of Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said “today I am
going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout,
forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with
an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon” God continued “I
shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people on the earth” “But Lord” asked Gabriel “don’t you think
you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really” replied God
“just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

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