Archive for the ‘dumb criminals’ Category

Stupid as in not Smart #3

AT&T fired president John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership.” He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, “Please come out and
give yourself up!”

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week
— for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him “jump higher.”

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest
Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy (not to be
confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy).

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the
homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This
is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner,
“when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all
your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “that’s not what I

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was
seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike
Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police
have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first
child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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Stealing Guns

Homosassa, Florida. A man went into a hardware store to apply
for a job. After completing his application he then went to the
section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple
guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the
guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address
on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

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"True" Stories of Stupid People

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant
because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should
of blown your fucking head off.” The defendant paused, then
quickly added, ” – if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer’s asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer..that’s
her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd
Person: “A little. What’s wrong?” 1st Person: “Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened.” 2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?” 1st
Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it.”

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
“Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?” “Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this
remote ‘thingy,'” she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
“Why don’t you drive over there and check about the
batteries…it’s a long walk.”

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?”

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.

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There was once three men caught by an army and and they were
going to get they’re head shot off. The first man stands in
front of the army and sees them all with guns in they’re hand.
He sees and here the cheif yell “Ready…..aim….” then quicly
the first man yells “tornado!” and the army and the cheif duck
for cover, while the first man laughes and escapes from them.
Then the second man goes and says his last words. He hears the
cheif yell out “Ready…..aim….” And quickly the man yells
out ” Hurricane!” and the army and cheif duck for cover while
the second man escapes from them. Then the third man walks up
in front of them and waits for the chief to say his words. The
cheif says “Ready….aim..and..”
the third man yells “Fire!”

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Protecting the Greenhouse

Please note: No matter how pathetic this story sounds it’s
actually true.

One day, a man saw a stranger on his property. Ready to go to
extreme measures, he pulled out his pistol and stopped the guy
at gunpoint and called the police.

When the police arrived the man was still holding a gun to the
stranger, who turned out to be a college student.

The police offier said, “Put the gun away and tell me the story.”

The man said, “Well officer, I was watching TV in my basement
when a pair of footsteps went by the window. I knew it was
someone suspicious, so I sneaked out the back to see what he was
up to. When I got out, I caught him running out of the
greenhouse with the loot.”

The policeman, seeing the student with a few plants began to get
annoyed. “Is this really what you were stealing?” he asked the

However, before the student could answer, the man said, “Those
aren’t just any plants, those are my best pot plants!”

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3 Burglers

There were three burglers. One night, they decided to make a
heist at the bank. So that evening, they put on their black
shirts, black pants, black shoes, ski masks, etc. They quietly
snuck to the bank, and broke in. Too bad the alarm went off. So,
they ran. They came to a garbage dump, and went off to find
hiding places. All three of them crept into bags, and waited.
The police finaly came to the garbage dump, and split up to look
for them. One officer came upon a burgler (hidden in the bag, of
course). “Hey, Joe!” cried the officer, “I think I found one of
’em!” So he kicked the bag to make sure. The burgler, thinking
fast, whispered “meow”. “Oh, never mind. It’s just a cat. Keep
lookin’! So, they kept looking. Another officer came to the
second burgler in a bag. Thinking fast, the burgler went “Ffft!”
So, thinking it was a cat, the officer went away. Now, the third
burgler was a tad stupid. When the officers came to him, an
officer kicked the bag. The burgler whispered, “Pootaatoooos…”

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Stupid Criminals

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know
what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old
woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown):
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized
that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole —
are you ready for this? — the bank’s video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money
from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty
badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911” for help…

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the
pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up
*more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into
the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize
that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown):
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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Burning Fork

As a kid I was always tormented by my older brother at dinner
time. He would always sit next to me, always get there before i
did, and and he would always lick my fork. When he did this I
couldn’t use it any more and had to get a new one. After a few
nights of getting up and retrieving a new fork I got an idea. I
made a special attempt to get to the table before he did and get
a hold of my fork. I got it and then held it over the candle for
a minute or so, and then set it down and waited for dinner. My
brother arrived and picked up the fork, and licking it from top
to bottom, roasting his toungue in the process.

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