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Archive for the ‘animals’ Category

The Bad Parrot

Once there was this old man who was lonely. So he went to the
pet store to get a dog. But they were out of dogs and wern’t
going to get any more until the next millnium! So the man got a
parrot. But the store owner worrined him. “The first 3 phrases
he hears and likes he will remember.”
The man brought the parrot home and some boys were climbing in
the old man’s tree. “Get down from there or I’ll call the
police.” said the old man. The kids said”Baloney, baloney,
baloney.” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man tok his parrot rock climbing. Someone’s
climbing partner fell into a hole and he yelled “get a rope pull
him up” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man brought the parrot to a carnival. The
parrot heard someone yell, “Hit the black doll and win a prize.”
and the parrot repeated it.
The next day was Sunday and the man brought the parrot to
church. The preacher began his preaching. “God lives up there.”
“Baloney, baloney, baloney” yelled the parrot. The preacher
looked at him but continued. “The devil lives down there.” And
the parrot yelled “Get a rope pull him up.” The preacher through
the Bible at the parrot but it hit a nun and the parrot yelled
“Hit a black doll and win a prize.”

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Rooster and a Telephone Pole

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

A twenty foot cock that want to reach out and touch someone.

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Centipede

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half…

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

“Who made that tackle?” asked the ant.

“I did,” said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, “Who made that great stop?” “I did,” said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, “Where were you in the first half?”

The centipede replied, “Puttin’ on my shoes!”

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Breaststroke

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

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Dead Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and
clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog
just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that he choked on it, sir.”

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A New Pet

Once upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box. He took the box home and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink. So he asked him:

“Would you like to go to Frank’s Place and have a beer?”

No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he
again asked him: “How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?”

Again… no answer. He asked him one more time: “Hey, would you
like to go & have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time.
I’m just putting on my shoes.”

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Birds + Mice

The early bird gets the worm,……. But the second mouse gets the cheese!

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The Gerbil

This guy named Bob walked into a bar with a frog and a gerbil. The
bartender, who was curious of why he had such odd pets with him decided to
ask about it. The guy replied “that his animals had special talents and
could not leave them at home.” So, the bartender, who was now even more
curious then before, wanted to know what they did, so of course he asked.

Bob then whipped out a miniature piano. He sat the Gerbil down next to the
piano and the little thing started playing. After a few measures, the frog
starts singing to the tune.

The man that was sitting next to the guy said that he would pay Bob $500
for that frog.

Without thought, the man gave the frog to the man.

As Bob was counting his money, the bartender asked why he sold such a
thing. To which Bob replied “it is okay, the Gerbil is a ventriloquist”

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Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

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Coyotes

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the
brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just
as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy
runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind
legs and starts screwing it. “Oh my God!” she exclaims and
drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town
bar. “It figures,” she says as she storms inside. The first
thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard
sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff
who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.

“What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into
town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal…
and then… I come in here…. and see this old man in the
corner jacking-off right in public!?”

“Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect
him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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Three flys

there are three flys in a jar two girls one boy one of the girls get tired of being in a jar so she asked the male how do we get out he said suck my dick and ill tell you so she did he told her to fly up to the top as fast as she could so she did and she broke her neck same with the other one and the boy got out.

ask how

suck my dick and ill tell you

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Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind Man

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t
control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!”

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