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Archive for the ‘sci-fi / fantasy’ Category

heaven or hell?

A man walked out into the street and got hit by a car, he was
a devious man who sinned all of the time. He died, and when he
got to his after life he said, “ohhh….. this must be heaven.”
There were many beautiful, naked women and many bottles of rum.
He saw a man standing behind the counter so he went up to him
and said…, “sir this must be heaven because of all the naked
women and rum, and heaven is a wonderful place so this is
heaven.”
The man replied “no no no you got it all wrong this is hell.”
The man replied but “How is that possible? look at all the naked
women and rum.”
The man behind the counter said, “I am the devil and all of the
bottles of rum have holes in the bottom of them……and the the
women do not.”

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Genie on Malibu Beach

A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one..”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you
want two lanes or four?

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Close Encounter

One day in a little town in the desert, a UFO landed and a green
man came out and walked towards the town bar. As he entered the
bar he approached the sherif who happened to be reading the
paper. The alien stood behind him, looked over his shoulder and
started to tap him on the shoulder. After a couple of minutes of
doing that, the sherrif got mad and threw the paper on the
ground and said, “Here, you wanna read it, go ahead.” The alien
pulls his dick out and starts to run it over the lines. The
sherrif was very surrprised and asked, “If this is how you read
then how do you have sex?” In response, the alien approached him
and started tapping his shoulder.

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Irishman and Genie w/ Glass of Vodka

One day an Irishman found a bottle. He rubbed it and out came a
genie. The genie said, “I will grant you 2 wishes.”

The Irishman said, “I like Russian vodka. So I guess I’ll take a
glass of that.” POOF! He had a glass of vodka!

To his surprise, once he finished the glass it refilled by
itself, “Wow! It refilled itself!” The genie said, “Of course!
It’s a magic glass. It will never run out of vodka.”

The Irishman exclaimed, “Great! I’ll have another one of these!”

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Snowball

I made myself a snowball
as perfect as could be,
I thought i’d keep it as a pet
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
and a pillow for its head,
but one night it ran away
but first it wet the BED!

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Aliens

Two aliens came down to earth to do some research on humans and
to test out their new super weapon too. They land in a desert
and start walking down a dirt road.
They come up to a telephone pole, “Speak earthling or I will
shoot you,” says the alien. Now of course the phone pole
didn’t utter a word, so the alien shot it. Little peices of
wood flew everywhere. They then went on.
The aliens then came up to a mailbox. “Speak earthling or I’ll
shoot you,” says the alien again. Well the mailbox didn’t say a
word, so it got blasted to itty bitty pieces of metal. The
journey continued. This time the aliens came up to a gas pump.
“Speak earthling or I’ll shoot you,” said the alien. Now of
course the gas pump didn’t say a word, so the alien raised his
gun to fire. “Wait!” yelled his little alien buddy, “give this
one another chance.”
The alien decides that this is fair and tells the gas pump
again,” Speak earthling or I’ll shoot you.” And again the pump
says nothing.
So the alien shoots it, it erupts into a huge ball of flames and
hurles the aliens back to their spaceship.
Dazed, the alien asks his friend ,” How did you know not to
shoot that one?”
“Well,” he answers, ” I figure any earthling who can wrap his
dick around his body twice and then stick it in his ear must be
a bad son of a bitch!”

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Three Men and a River

Once there were three blond who were all trying to figure out
how to cross a river. They tried walking across, but it was much
too deep. Stumped, they sat down and began to cry.

Soon, a kind fairy came along. When she saw their tears, she
offered to give them each a wish if they would stop weeping.

The first man wished, “I wish I was smart enough to figure out
how to cross this river.”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a man with light-brown hair. He swam
across the river.

The second man wished, “I wish I was even smarter than that.”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a man with dark-brown hair. He built a
rowboat and rowed across.

The third man wished, “I want to be smarter then any man alive!”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a woman and he walked across the
bridge.

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10 Times More to Husband

A lady has an ugly divorce with her husband. One day she finds a
lamp. She rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie told her, “I will make 3 of your wishes come true…
BUT, the wish you ask for will be done 10 times more to your
husband.”

The lady though for a second and says, “Ok, I want to be the
richest lady ever. I want to be the prettiest lady ever. And I
want a little-bitsy heart attack….”

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Alien Love

A man and his female friend woke up one morning to find an alien
spacecraft in their back yard. Being curious, the man and woman
went to welcome the visitors.

When the reached the spacecraft, a door slowly opened and
standing there were two aliens (a male and a female) who looked
just like humans except for minor differences. They found that
the aliens spoke perfect English so they invited them to come
inside for a drink.

After long discussions about the universe, the humans and the
aliens thought it would be interesting to have sex with one
another. So the female alien and the man went back to the ship,
while the male alien and the woman stayed in the house.

When the two in the house began to undress, the woman noticed,
to her disappointment, that the visitor had a very small penis.
Realising that the woman was distressed, the alien said “Don’t
worry, I’m not ready yet,” and pushing his nose, his penis grew
ten inches long. The woman was still not happy as the
circumference was no bigger then that of a pencil. But again the
alien told her not to worry and pulling his ears his penis grew
thicker. After, the alien and woman made amazing love that they
thouroughly enjoyed.

When the aliens had left the man and woman got to talking-
“How was it?” asked the man.
“Great!” said the woman, “How about you?”
“It was wierd,” replied the man, “she kept on pushing my nose
and pulling my ears the entire time.”

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Luke Skywalker

One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-One came into a Chinese
Resturant. They ordered the food and then sat down to eat. “Damm
it!” cried Luke, “These sticks are so hard.” As Luke’s face grew
livid with rage, Obi-One calmly replied, “Use the forks, Luke,
use the forks.”

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What kind of ghost…

What king of ghost sits in a cloth chair?

An upolster-geist.

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The Pledge of the Committed Hero Wiener

1. I, as a dedicated wiener, pledge to be the wussiest I can, but always
win.

2. Through the course of my journey, I will never act cool.

3. I pledge to effect the lives of everyone I meet, but only in a minute
way.

4. No one will stop me from completing my mission.

5. If I become romantically involved with a woman, I will quickly forget
about it. It’s way to nonsensical for some beautiful buxom women to fall
for me.

6. I will never have sex! Ever!

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