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Archive for the ‘celebrities’ Category

Magician on a cruise ship

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after
all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a days. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. You
got me on this one … where’s the boat?”

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Comedian’s Favorite Candy

What is a comedian’s favorite candy?

Snickers!

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Fart

There were four popstars in a room. One of them did a fart.
Shaggy said, “It wasn’t me.” Craig David said, “I’m walking away.”
Pink said, “You make me sick.” Britney Spears said, “Oops I
did it again!”

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Bush and education

The head of the department of education
was talking to president Bush.

” Mr president”, The man said, ” 85% of

the nations children can’t find Iraq on the

map.”

Bush just smiled and calmly stated,

“thats ok. in a few monthes it won’t be on

the map.”

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Dead People

So I went to see the Sixth Sense again to see if there was anything I missed. After the movie, I realized what’s the big deal? So this kid sees dead people, So does Puff Daddy!—Editor’s note: Rap impresario Sean “Puffy” Combs, who stands indicted on gun charges after a nightclub shootout, has oddly enough been cast in a new film (“Made”) as a gangster.

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Take a guess!

What is this?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one…

Cher and Madonna don’t have one…

And the Pope doesn’t use his…

Answer: A Last Name!

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Adam Sandler Quotes from Billy Madison

“Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair.” “Conditioner’s
better. I leave the hair silky and smooooth.” “Oh really, fool?” “Really!”

“I am the smartest man alive!” After he spells couch in a 2nd grade
spelling bee.

“What day is it today?” “October?”

“Stop looking at me Swan.”

“Penguin? What are you doing here? It’s too dang hot for a penguin to just
be walkin’ around here.”

“O’Doyle Rules!”

“So SORRY to interrupt! Proceed!”

“Peeing your pants is the coolest! You ain’t cool unless you’re peeing
your pants!”

“O’Doyle, I have a feeling your whole family is going down.”

“T-t-t-today, Junior!”

” No I will not make out with you!”

“Don’t worry penguin. All the people at the zoo are going to treat you
real respectable like.”

” Hahaha SHUT UP!”

“I wish I could go to High school, Billy!” ” Don’t you ever say that! stay
here, as long as you can!”

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Michael Jackson

Well, the trial’s over, and Michael got off… What’s ironic is that getting off is what got him in trouble in the first place.

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5 other things to do in an elevator

1.step in(after doors have opened)
2.press required level
3.avoid getting in with fat people(if there are any talk the
stairs)
4.avoid eye contact( or you will be thought gay)
5. step out

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Michael Jackson vs. Casper

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

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Connecting with Celebrities

Weird, but allegedly true, celebrity encounters as quoted in the book “Elvis Presley’s Pharmacist Was My Sunday School Teacher” (Alaska Northwest Books, $8.95). “While playing a celebrity basketball game at the Pentagon, I mistakenly put on Al Gore’s jockstrap.” “I once heard Brian Keith belch.” “I was circumcised by C. Everett Koop.” “Kurt Cobain puked on my ex-girlfriend.” “I took Captain Kangaroo’s stool sample.” “I once built a stage that Glenn Campbell fell through.” “I watched Jaclyn Smith pick her nose while driving her Corvette.” “I sat on a plane next to the best friend of the nephew of the Japanese guy that President Bush puked on.” “I threw a Frisbee to the Emperor of Japan.” “My ancestors ate Magellan.” “I know a guy whose father’s grandfather was the plumber who pulled President Taft out of the tub when he got stuck.” “My father went to high school with Adam West. I met him and then the three of us went to Hooters.” “Connie Chung once hawked a loogie on my shoe.” “Gomer Pyle hit on my brother.” “Stephen Hawking ran over my foot with his wheelchair.”

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Brooklyn woman

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds “when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between.” After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, “this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya!” She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, “you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, “Don King!”

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