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Archive for the ‘jews’ Category

Orange Yarn

Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, ‘Hey Jew!!!… I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.’ Abe says, ‘OK.’ The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. ‘What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?’ Straightfaced, Abe replies ‘I’m very careful when I deal with people like you, that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland.’

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Jewish Mother Joke

And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab; I’ll send a limo for you!’To which his mother replies, ‘I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.To which she replies, ‘Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger’She answers, ‘Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…’He answers, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!’She responds, ‘Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.’ The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty.Betty: ‘Hello, Sylvia . . . so what’s new?’Sylvia: ‘I’m visiting my son for Passover!’ Betty: ‘The doctor?’Sylvia: ‘No . . . the other one.’

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At the beach

Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!” “Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard. “I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.” “What!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing.”

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Two beggars in Mexico

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: ‘Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.’The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

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Good news bad news about our son

“Oy vey! I’ve got good news and bad news about our son.” said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband.”Give me the bad news first!” said Mr. Shapiro.”Our boy’s become a homosexual!””Oy! So what’s the good news?””He’s going with a rich doctor!”

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90’s Rabbi Student

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he
had learned in Hebrew school one day. “Well, mommy, the rabbi told us how
God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely.
Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown
the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Sammy, is that really
what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, mommy, but if I
told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!”

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HS Reunion and Grandmas

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years.

Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Sarah says, “No children…. and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

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The Jewish CIA

President Bush, newly elected, calls in the head of the CIA and
asks, “How come the Jews know everything before WE do?”

The CIA chief says, “It’s because the Jews have this expression,
‘Vus Tutzuch? (What’s doing?)’ They just ask each other and they
know everything! “

George Bush says that he has to see it to believe it, and he
wants to personally go undercover.

He gets dressed up (the hat, beard, etc…) as an orthodox Jew
and is secretly flown under radar in an unmarked plane to New
York, where he is picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off
in Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon this little old Jewish man comes shuffling along and George
whispers to him, “Vus Tutzuch?”

The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear President Bush is in
Brooklyn ?”

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Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah 10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races 6. You can use your fireplace5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games 4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth 2. Cheer optional 1. No Irving Berlin songs

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Blood Tells

The teacher said, “I’ll give $20 to the child who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The
teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right
either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus
Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Daniel,
come up here and I’ll give you the $20.”

As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, “You know
Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ.” Daniel replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business.”

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Speaking Yiddish

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. �Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?� they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, �Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?�

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… �Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.�

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Wave that Towel…

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.. “Hire a strapping young man. While
the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm.” They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love. It doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay”, says the rabbi to
the husband, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make
loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again,
they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the
young man and says to him triumphantly…”You see, you schmuck,
THAT’S the way you wave a towel!”

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