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Archive for the ‘top lists’ Category

The Top 13 Taglines for Movies Featuring Unlikely Action Heroes

13> Anna Nicole Smith goes after ancient treasure as Emma Balmer in “Tomb Dater.”

12> See George Walker Bush as George Herbert Walker Bush in “Once Upon a Time in Iraq.”

11> William Shatner shows terrorists for the bald-faced liars they are as Frank Follicle in “Toupe Beverly Hills.”

10> Ben Kingsley’s done with passive resistance — now MaHotHead Gandhi’s thinning out the bad guys in “The Fasting and the Furious.”

9> David Spade as Sammy the Elf in “I Nailed Mrs. Claus.”

8> Don Knotts is Henry Limpet in “The Ass-Kicking Mr. Limpet: Limpet Lives!”

7> Nick Nolte *is* Al Coholic in “Cider-Man.”

6> McCauley Culkin as Neo in “Matrix, We Are Now Officially Out of Ideas.”

5> From Vice President to adventure hero, don’t miss “Indiana Quayle and the Spelling Bee of Doom.”

4> Gray Davis as Private Sector in “The Terminated.”

3> Pee Wee Herman as Rod Wanker tries his hand at self-espionage in “The Pourne Identity.”

2> Justin Timberlake goes where no man has gone before as I. D. Flowerder in “Breakfast at Britney’s.”

1> Woody Allen one-ups Shaft as Oedipus X in “Mighty Afrodite.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :

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A BBS Commandment

17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

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Fitness Philosophy

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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Movies simplified

Movies simplified15. ‘Pretty Woman’ — ‘I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money’14. ‘Face/Off’ — ‘Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!’13. ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ — ‘I’m Drunk And You’re a Prostitute’12. ‘Interview With The Vampire’ — ‘So, You Are a Lawyer?’11. ‘The Piano’ — ‘Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!’10. ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ — ‘Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!’9. ‘George of the Jungle’ — ‘Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals’8. ‘Scent of a Woman’ — ‘Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!’7. ‘Love, Valour, Compassion!’ — ‘I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It’s Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie’6. ‘Babe’ — ‘The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems’5. ‘Twister’ — ‘Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!’4. ‘Field of Dreams’ — ‘Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield’3. ‘Barb Wire’ — ‘Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You’2. ‘Batman & Robin’ — ‘Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy’1. ‘The Crying Game’ — ‘Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!’

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Cowboy Wisdom

  • If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  • Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
  • It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
  • There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
  • Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shutup.
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The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other’s Friends

15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn’t know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that’s a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart — but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don’t know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven’t had sex yet — or as we call it in Klingon, ‘nga’chug.’4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you’ve been knocking at her back door, but she won’t answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :

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Things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 (or Code Brown) in Swimwear,” and see what happens,

2. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn all of them off and crank the volume to “10”.

3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

4. Put M&M’s on layaway.

5. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.

7. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

8. TP as much of the store as possible.

9. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone”?

10.Take an entire aisle of toys up by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-men.

11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.

12.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

13.Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

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Bad Documentaries

From the Top5 list at http://www.topfive.com12> The danger element seems to be missing in “Stefan Erwin — Lhasa apso Hunter!”11> It’s about your 14-year-old daughter, and appears to have been filmed with a camcorder from your neighbor’s window.10> Narrator can’t keep from giggling during dung beetle mating sequence. 9> “The Making of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” just barely touches on Vanilla Ice’s role in the movie. 8> Harsh lullaby of the Savanna marred by overhearing Pirates of the Caribbean next door. 7> Dramatic reenactment of The Battle of Midway sullied by shampoo bottles and panty hose hanging from the towel rod. 6> You find yourself wishing another Priceline.com commercial with Bill Shatner singing would come on. 5> “Sensing that danger is lurking near his cubicle, the Top5 contributor minimizes Solitaire on his desktop and reveals his spreadsheet camouflage.” 4> Too much plot and dialogue, not enough hot monkey-love. 3> Sound effects for the battlefield re-enactments consist of Emeril Lagasse shouting “Bam!” repeatedly. 2> “Here, in its natural habitat, the Big Mac seems no more deadly than your average order of fries.” 1> Tonight on the Discovery Channel, John Woo’s “Caterpillars of Fury.”

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The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

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The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises

13. “Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal”

12. “Armageddon ’98” — A giant chunk of Bill Gates’s wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!

11. “Starring Kevin Costner!”

10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year’s color.

9. “Coffee Shortage!”

8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth’s rotation, flinging everybody off into space — except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.

7. “Acnephobia” — Where will the next one pop up?!

6. “Starbuck Wars” — Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso

5. “Flat Grape Fanta!”

4. “Parmageddon” — Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.

3. “The Day the List Stood Still”

2. “Killer Bugs” — Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.

1. Fran Drescher in: “Megaphone!”

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You Know You’re From California When…

  • The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  • You were born somewhere else.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  • Your car has bulletproof windows.
  • Left is right and right is wrong.
  • Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  • Your mouse has only one ball.
  • You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
  • You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  • You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  • You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  • Your family tree contains “significant others”.
  • Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
  • You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
  • You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  • More than clothes come out of the closets.
  • When “the Dead” are best live.
  • You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  • More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  • Smoking in your office is not optional.
  • You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  • When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch”.
  • Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  • Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  • You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  • You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  • A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  • When all highways into the state say: “no fruits”.
  • All highways out of the state say: “Go back”.
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The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List

[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution…..enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men’s pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon’s of one’s blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn’t know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, […]7> I’m leaving your Top 5 list because I think you’re a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don’t seem to rember if it wasn’t for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can’t say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren’t prepared to eat your neibor’s cat, you aren’t prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :
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