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Archive for the ‘science’ Category

The Cesium song 13

Cesium’s Strange(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)Cesium’s strange,when you’re a strangerConsummate danger,ready to blow.Water is wicked,wet and unwanted,Folks are unfriendly,when you glow.Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!Don’t you remember the pain?You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —Cesium’s strange,pregnant with danger,Hand the next strangera kilo or two.Pour on the water,lamb at the slaughter,Bathe in the lightthat is blue, sky-blue!Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’ll always remember the pain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —— Songs of Cesium #13

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Jokes of science 01

At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The ‘wave’.The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train? Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x)” One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA. Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

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Experiment on Elephant

One day three scientists were discussing what would happen if
they rammed a cork up an elephants ass and force fed it for 2
weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and
the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A
week after the experiment had started they began to realize
“WHY” the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone
to pull the cork out!!

One of the scientists came up with a bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to
pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for
another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist
went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third
went 3 miles away. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

BAAAANNNNNGGGGG!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in
elephant shit. The second scientist (2 miles away) was up to his
knees. And the first scientist who was 1 mile away was up to his
waist in elephant shit. When the others joined the scientist who
was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

“What in the world is so funny?” asked one of the scientists.

“You should have seen the monkey’s face trying to get the cork
back in!”

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Albert Einstien

If Albert Einstien was soo smart then how come hes dead?

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A geologist’s song 02

Sea-Floor Spreading Lament (folksong) by Brenna Lorenz Refrain: Alas for the spreading of the ocean, Alas for the spreading of the sea, Alas for every year that passes by, Taking you two inches more from me! Oh, why did you leave our native plate, Causing me to weep and to mourn? With the plates diverging at such a rate, To leave me alone and lorn? If only the mantle would my counsel take, If the Earth would but listen unto me, I’d say, “Your convection cell remake, And bring my darling back to me!” So dive you down, you ocean dark, Part of the mantle be- Fire you up, you island arc – Subduct my darling back to me!

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Jokes of science 03

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender looks at him, and says “For you, no charge.” Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says “I’ll have what he’s having.” Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I think I lost an electron!” The other asks, “Are you sure?”, to which the first replies, “I’m positive.” Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says “sir can I get you a martini “Descartes says “I don’t think…” and he disappears Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! Heisenberg is out for a drive when he’s stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says “No, but I know where I am.”

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Chem one-liners 03

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn’t put it down?What’s the formula for water? -H-two-O What’s the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBEDQ: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?A: OxymoronThe best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.Their idea of a catalyst:2 bags of cat litter3 cans of cat food1 can of flea powder1 collarQ: How do you get lean molecules?A:Feed them titrations.Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?A: Because it’s polar.Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?His business went insolvent.Q: What’s the most important thing to learn in chemistry?A: Never lick the spoon.

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Chemistry song 12

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa ChlorineI saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorineunder the chemistree last nightThey didn’t sneak me down the periodic chartto take a peekAt all the atoms reacting in their beakers;it was neat.And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorineunder the chemistree so brightOh what a reaction there would have beenif the principal had walked inWith teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

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Chem one-liners 01

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. — Mike AdamsChemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? None. That’s what organic chemists are for!It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. –quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T — D.L. BunkerQ: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?A: KNiFe.

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"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it
by several remarks — usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the “Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

“Oral sex! It’s oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!”

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Nail in experiment

DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. “I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail,” he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, “Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?”– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Carolyn Stickney � 1996 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Dedicated geologists

Total immersion geologistsTotal immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs: 1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food. 2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: “What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?” “I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?” 3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle. 4. You like rock music only because it’s called “rock” music. 5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel. 6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you’re parked on. 7. You name your children after rocks and minerals. 8. You’re not sure if you have children. 9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

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