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Archive for the ‘seniors’ Category

Apples and Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons,
kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young
girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood,
but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously,” What are you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some
people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some
myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the
line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the
line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck ’em dry”.

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Old Man Got Some

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend
pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the
other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely
young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined
the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a
drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful
examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in
sex recently. The old man said, “sure”. The doctor asked if he
could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

The old man said, “Sure, why?” The doctor replied “Well you’d
better get over there, you’re about to cum.”

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Old Relatives

When I was younger I hated going to weddings …
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, ‘You’re next.’

They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

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God’s Doing a Better Job!

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me
too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job
lately.”

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Medical Miracle

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six
months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to
her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones,
you’re going to be a mother.”

“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it
was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She
walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

“Hello,” she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered,
“Who’s calling please?”

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Old Romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a sceond, and
tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said “Then you used to bit my neck.”
The husband now very annoyed got out of bed and walked to the
bathroom.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!” he replied.

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Beans, a dollar a can…..

An older lady was taking the elevator to her floor when a young,
sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on. She said,”Chanel-$50.00
an ounce.” and pressed the button for her floor. About 2 floors
up, another young, sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on the
elevator. She said,”Bombardier-$100.00 an ounce.” and pressed
the button for her floor. When the older woman got to her floor,
she turned around, farted, and said,”Beans, $1.00 a can at the
grocery store.” and got off.

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Old Man’s Sex Drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive
her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the
doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an
aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop
it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come
back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”

A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well,
how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just
terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I
did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off
the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”

“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so
good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25
years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King
again.”

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The Flasher

One day two old ladys were sitting on a bench at the town park
when a flasher walks up and flashes them. One old lady has a
stroke, but the other one can’t reach!

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Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexual

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.”

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May
issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active…..

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”

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Odd Thoughts

– The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
alcohol content.

– Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody
listens to you.

– Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn’t have it
you won’t either.

– If women can have PMS then why can’t men have ESPN?

– There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead’s.

– Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of
consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

– Isn’t it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one
busted condom?!

– Midlife is when your realize you are so old you have to pay
some one to look at you naked.

– Middleage is when you choose your cerael for the fiber and not
the toy.

– Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a
relative.

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I’m Not Saying You’re old………..

I’m not saying you’re old but who else…
…has wrinkles on their teeth.
…sprinkles tenderizer on their applesauce.
…has a pterodactyl for a pet.
…remembers when Baskin-Robins only had two flavors.
…wears steel-belted support hose.
…knew Sleeping Beauty when she was an ugly insomniac.

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