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Archive for the ‘military’ Category

Battle on the Ocean

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, ‘Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?’

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, ‘If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.’
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!’

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Soldier’s Ambition

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” said the Major.

He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

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Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.”Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.””Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.””What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”

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Id man

where does sadam housan keep his cds?

in irak

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Deadly Curfew

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
“Why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

“I know where he lives,” he replied, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

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Tingling

A fugitive was running from the police. He was hiding in the
house of his ex-girlfriend, and they just had a “wonderful
time.” Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door.

“Police, open!!!”

The man hides on top of large rafters along the living room
ceiling. However, his abnormally large balls hang down into
sight. The woman opens the door and the police burst in, search
the house head to foot, but find nothing.

One of the cops notices the balls, and asks what the hell those
are. “Chinese temple bells,” the woman answers. “I’ve always
wanted to hear the tingling sound of Chinese temple bells,”
replied the cop. He gives them a great bang with his club. No
sound. Again, he bangs them, but nothing. Puzzled, he whacks
them as hard as he can, and there is a loud scream from above,
“Tingling, you son of a bitch!!”

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Custer’s Last Thoughts

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, ‘Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'”

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Rules of Combat

1.) If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2.) Incoming fire has the right of way.

3.) Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4.) The easy way is always mined.

5.) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6.) Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

7.) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

When you’re ready for them.

When you’re not ready for them.

8.) Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9.) If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10.) If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11.) Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12.) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13.) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not oer friend.

14.) If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

15.) When in doubt empty the magazine.

16.) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17.) Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18.) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.

19.) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20.) A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21.) Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.

22.) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23.) Five second fuses only last three seconds

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You Might Be A

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…….

You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just “ain’t right.”

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Drunk Driving Test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He
walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the
wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine
if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the
balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple
of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like
you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’

She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’

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On the high seas!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a dump in your pants.”

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Saddam and his wife

why did saddam kill his wife?
he looked up her dress and saw a big bush!!

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