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Archive for January, 2014

God’s Lottery Advice

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Joe again prays…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.Once again, he prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

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Dumb Criminal at the Photo Mart

Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when he came back to pick up his pictures. He said he had taken the photos to “show friends in prison how well he was doing.”

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Charles Manson

Charles Manson has released a statement from prison on hearing Jackson was acquitted, “Thank God we won’t be in the same cell together, that guy is nuts.”

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yo momma is so fat you have to grease the…

yo momma is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her threw

yo momma so fat she woke up and fell off on both sides of the bed

yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her as the new world

yo momma so fat she sat on the toilet and if it could talk it would say abcdefg get your fat butt off of me hijklmnop hurry up your squishing me

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God’s time and money

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”

He replied, “1 second.”

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “A penny.”

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”

And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

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Knock KnockWho’s there?Yoda!Yoda who?Yoda le

Knock KnockWho’s there?Yoda!Yoda who?Yoda le lee whoo!

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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway….

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

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Ping Pong Balls

A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to
marry the princess. So the king said, “Whoever can bring me back the most
ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter.” So the three princes went
out looking for ping pong balls.

The first prince came back with his horse carrying two sacks filled with
ping pong balls. He figured he made it with no problem.

Then, the second prince came back with ten horse carrying sacks filled
with ping pong balls on each horse. He thought he would make it all the
way.

Finally, the third prince came back. He was all beat up. His clothes were
all ripped up, black and blue eyes, skinned knees, and the rest of him was
completely demolished. The king asked, “What happened? You didn’t find any
ping pong balls?”

The prince said, “What the hell do you mean ping pong balls! I thought you
said king kong’s balls!”

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80 year old man

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “Because I’m telling everybody!”

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For A Day…

What Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day
1. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
2. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half
3. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
4. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE
closing time
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
6. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
7. Finally find that damned G-spot

What Women Would Do If They Have A Penis For A Day
1. Find out what’s so fascinating about “beating your meat”
2. Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
3. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm
4. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks
5. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
6. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
7. Get a blow job

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Power Outage

A True Story….
A friend of mine worked for the local internet
company as a tech support guy, when one day he received a call
from a man who was obviously computer ignorant. The man told my
friend that his computer screen went black while he was using
it. He asked the man if the little light on his monitor was
still on, and the man said no. So then he asked him if the
computer was still pluged in. The man asked him to hold on while
he checked. A few minutes later, the man comes back and tells
him he can’t see the plug in because the electricity had went
off. Therefore, my friend told him to put his computer back in
the box and take it back to the store because he was too stupid
to own a computer!

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TopFive’s Thanksgiving Dinner Advice

50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring giblet jugglers.

49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, “Yer already dead, old man!” (Hey, we didn’t say it was all *good* advice.)

48> After eight years in a row, you should know better than to pull that finger.

47> Carving a “turkey” from a block of potted meat may be a clever trick, but it will leave you with a table of hungry, angry guests.

46> To prevent post-meal indigestion, spike the dressing with Tums.

45> Basting isn’t necessary — you can go ahead and murder your family dry if you like. And remember: When the police arrive, cranberry sauce is effective at hiding telltale blood stains.

44> In an emergency, gravy can be administered by IV.

43> Resist the urge to recreate the Devil’s Tower using your mashed potatoes; chilled leftovers are better construction material and draw less attention.

42> If the about-to-be-carved turkey is smiling at you, you know Grandpa’s already hammered and pranking with his teeth again.

41> Fold the napkins inside out and you can use them a second time.

40> Concerned about room at the table? With a good juicer, you can reduce the entire meal to a delicious, space-saving shake.

39> The more you drink, the more tolerable Uncle Saul’s stench becomes.

38> Remember, demonstrating how you “stuffed” the turkey with your “special sauce” will probably get you arrested.

37> You should not give away a turkey drumstick as a “marital aid door prize.”

36> The “Butterball Hotline” is *not* a direct phone line to the desk of Al Roker.

35> No matter how much wine is served at Thanksgiving dinner, a gourd should never be used as a marital aid.

34> When your mother makes her signature marshmallow/butterscotch/marmalade/chocolate/caramel/powdered sugar/sprinkle-covered yams, take a helping even if you’re on the Atkins Diet unless you really want to hear about the 40 hours she spent in labor bringing your sorry ass into this world so you could insult her cooking.

33> We’re Americans! If all else fails, deep-fry that sucker — regardless of what it is.

32> Whenever someone asks where you got the turkey, tell them you married him. *That* joke never gets old.

31> Sure, an apple looks appetizing in a roast pig’s mouth, but please consider that turkeys lack an appropriate orifice.

30> Remember: A large family dinner is God’s way of saying “I hate you.”

29> Six or seven good-sized squirrels can be sewn together into a reasonable semblance of a turkey. Just don’t be too forceful with the stuffing.

28> Uncle Marty unhitching his belt buckle after dessert is a sign he enjoyed his meal, not cause for a frantic call to 911.

27> It’s considered impolite to refer to stuffing the turkey as “buggering the bird.”

26> Despite Uncle Louie’s insistence, unlimited helpings of “turkey” refers to the poultry, not Wild Turkey 101.

25> Best not sit your adult Native American guests at the children’s table.

24> A systematic reassembly of the giblets on a serving tray both educates the kids and aesthetically pleases the adults.

23> Shredded stock trading documents make lovely basket stuffers! (Martha Stewart only)

22> Fresh apple cider is a fall treat for the kids, and you can surprise them with a post-Halloween trick by substituting the contents of Grandpa’s catheter bag.

21> Never pull the hostess’ legs apart and yell, “C’mon, Cousin Roy, make a wish!”

20> Here’s a time-saving recipe for rice pilaf: Start with some Minute Rice, then look behind the fridge and add whatever you can peel off the floor.

19> A wishbone can be used as emergency IUD.

18> No matter how funny a voice you make, using the turkey as a hand-puppet probably won’t impress your girlfriend’s parents.

17> Avoid certain disaster by placing Adam Sandler at the kid’s table and his guitar with the adults.

16> Assign Great Aunt Gertrude a helpful task that also keeps her out of the kitchen… like re-roofing the garage.

15> To aid digestion, avoid watching the annual Detroit Lions game.

14> If Grandpa happens to die during dinner, it’s impolite to call dibs on his spot at the big-people table.

13> Memo to turkey carver: “Do you want fries with that?” is a little bit funnier every time you say it.

12> For a festive touch, fill finger bowls with raw poultry juices.

11> Keep an extra tureen of gravy handy so you can pour it over the head of anyone who answers a cell phone during the meal.

10> When you say, “I simply MUST have this recipe,” don’t follow up with, “They’re going to ask me about it in the emergency room.”

9> If your turkey has four paws and fur, it’s time to change butcher shops.

8> Dress comfortably and casually. You’ll be eating yourself silly, and since only relatives will be there, you won’t be getting laid anyway.
(Note: This tip not applicable in Greater Appalachia.)

7> Although guests love being pampered, it’s not generally considered appropriate to unbutton their pants for them after the meal.

6> Fun tip: Glue pine cones to your beer-can hats and fill them with gravy!

5> Don’t trust any recipe for mashed potatoes that includes the step, “Now invite Gallagher over.”

4> Great Thanksgiving trick: Hide a tape recorder inside the turkey. When stuffing the bird, hit the “play” button.
Your pre-recorded orgasm sounds will delight both family and friends!

3> Be sure the dinnertime seating arrangements leave your unnaturally skinny niece a clear path to the bathroom.

2> Keep the leftover gravy to make frozen gibletsicles for the kids!

1> Accept the Dahmers’ invitation if you must, but you’d be wise to take a pass on the “Gran’berry sauce.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] Rate This Post :

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