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Archive for February, 2014

Whose Dog Is Smarter?

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, ‘T-Square, do your stuff!’ T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!Then the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ‘Spreadsheet, show them how smart you are!’ Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!Yet the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, ‘Measure, do your thing!’ Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone oohed and ahhhed and was quite impressed!Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said, ‘What can your dog do?’ The Government Worker called to his dog and said, ‘Coffee Break, do your stuff!!’ Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!!

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100 Black

what do u call a 100 black running down a hill

Mud slide

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Useless Facts

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy…

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened
Canada is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
The word ‘byte’ is a contraction of ‘by eight.’

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Bin laden

Did you know we caught bin laden. no… we spread the new liquid viagra around the mountains of afghanistan and he sort of popped up!!!!

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The Snorer

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

‘Nope. I shut him up in no time?”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,” John said. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

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After Sex

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”

The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”

“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.

The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”

“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”

His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

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Nobody thinks Kook is president.

What’s the difference between George W. Bush and Kook, the gorilla who
understands approximately 2,000 words of spoken English?
Nobody thinks Kook is president.

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Isakoff and Ice Cream

What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common?
Both get scooped regularly

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Subtitles from Hong Kong

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from
Hong Kong:

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

* Gun wounds again?

* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

* A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

* Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

* Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot.

* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I
am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave
them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

* Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

* I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

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El director general de un

El director general de un banco se preocupa por un joven director estrella que, despu�s de almorzar, se empieza a ausentar al mediod�a. Llama al detective privado del banco y le ordena:

“Siga a Alvarado un d�a entero, no vaya a ser que ande en algo vidrioso”.

El investigador cumple con el cometido, vuelve e informa:

“Alvarado sale normalmente al mediod�a, toma su auto, va a su casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a su mujer, se fuma uno de sus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar”.

“Ah, bueno, menos mal, no hay nada malo en todo eso”.

“�Puedo tutearlo, se�or?”, pregunta el detective.

“�S�, c�mo no!”, responde sorprendido el director.

“Repito: Alvarado sale normalmente al mediod�a, toma tu auto, va a tu casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a tu mujer, se fuma uno de tus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar”.

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The Farmer’s Daughter

A man is driving through the country. Just as it’s getting dark
his front left tire goes flat, and he is without a spare. He
walks up to the nearest house and asks to spend the night. The
farmer, being a generous soul, says, “Sure thing, but only on
one condition. I’ll be putting you in the same bed as my
daughter, but I don’t want you touching her. So I’m going to put
a row of eggs between the two of you to make sure there’s no
messing about.” The man sees no problem with this, and the
farmer treats him to dinner.

The daughter is there, and the man sees that she is the most
beautiful woman that he has ever seen. He can’t keep his eyes
off her, and she can’t keep her eyes off him. That night, they
make wild passionate love on the bed, breaking eggs and spilling
yolk everywhere. In order to fool the farmer, the man and the
farmer’s daughter come up with a plan. It takes all night, but
they manage to get all of the eggs glued back together by
sunrise. They then fall asleep, exhausted.

The next morning the farmer wakes them up and collects the eggs.
He goes into the kitchen and proceeds to make breakfast. The
farmer cracks the first egg… nothing. He cracks the second
egg… nothing. By this time the farmer’s face is getting red.
He cracks a third egg… nothing. In a rage, the farmer gets out
his rifle, runs right past the startled man, and shoots the
chickens.

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Little Holes

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

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