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Archive for March, 2014

Your Bird

One day in the summer a man was sitting on a nude beach
sunning himself and this little girl walks up to him and asks
him mister whats that. He answers thats my woodpecker
sitting in its nest, while she was walking away she mummbles I
don’t like birds… About ten minutes later the man desides to
take a nap… When he wakes up he’s in the hospital with a
large pain in his lower body the nerse brings in the little girl
from before… She says Mister I’m sorry I killed your bird I
snaped its neck cracked its eggs and set the nest on fire….

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The Golden Toilet

There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, “wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?” and the bartender said to another person that was there, “hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”

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Fill out this form

A man walked up to a school and said “can you teach me to reed and write”
The administrator said, “Yes we can, just fill out this form”.

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Read the label first!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I’d like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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Sex With Patients

John had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “John, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “John. You’re a vet….”

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An object in motion will

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

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Canada aids the US

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism.

They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.

However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

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Tourist Visas

I was once with a tour group visiting the UK. As we filed past the immigration officer (at Heathrow), each one showed his passport, was asked why (s)he was visiting [“Well sir, I’m with this group that is visiting your lovely …”], and got a one-week tourist visa stamp. When it was my turn, I said I was going to topple the oppressive government and the entire class system, teach everyone to cook like the French, and free the masses from their servitude, but since I didn’t want to stay and experience the ensuing chaos, I might as well get a tourist visa too.He said, “Normally I’d tell you such a job is rather a large undertaking, and stamp you for two weeks, but I suspect you’re kidding,” and gave me the same as the rest.

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Signs you’re a redneck Jedi;

-You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

-You can easily describe the taste of a Wok.

-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

-The worst part of spending time on Deborah is the dad gum skitters.

-Woolies are offended by your B.O.

-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have
to wait for a commercial.

-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

-Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side…it’ll be a hoot.”

-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.

-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through
the window.

-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabber the Hut had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

-If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

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Snail visits bar

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there’s a ring on the doorbell.

He opens the door, and there’s a snail sitting there. “What do you want?” asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

“Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails anyway”.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

….. Exactly one year later, he’s locking up again, and there’s a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. “What do you want” says the landlord.

“What did you do that for” says the snail.

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Teachers’ Pay

Teachers are paid too much!! I’m fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I’d pay teachers babysitting wages.That’s right…instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I’d give them $3.00 an hour. And, I’m only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it’s still cheaper than private daycare.Now how many children do they teach a day–maybe 20? That’s $15.00 x 20 = 300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I’m not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.)What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master’s degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That’s $600 a day times 180 days. That’s only $108,000.Wait a minute…there is something wrong here…

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