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Archive for April, 2014

Little girl

Q-Why did the little girl fall of the swing??

A-because she had no arms

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truck

It was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane.

Each parent took a kid

THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it

The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and should be parked in a garage when he is old enough

After their respective talks, both kids went outside to play.

Little Johnny comes running and screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.

Jane comes in with blood all over her mouth. Her mom asked, “What on earth happened?!”

Jane said “Well, Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage so i bit off his back tires…”

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Redneck quickies 34

You might be a redneck if…You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats. You’ve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that’s holding it together. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale. You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, “I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.” Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.You think the internet is a new fishing tool. There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar. You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.Your kids can’t go out for Hollween because there’s nobody within walking distance to get candy from.You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials). Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper. The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?) Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

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MATH THEOREM OF PYTHAGORAS

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for
years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out
to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle,
the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp
was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was
only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from
a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the
knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to
fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle
raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from
the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus
proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the
squares of the other two sides.

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How many Yale students does it take to change…

How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. New Haven looks better in the dark.

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A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can…

A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal
sex?”

Mom: “Of course, darling, where do you think lawyers come from?”

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Casket Talk

What did one casket say to the other ?

Was that you coffin?

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15 Things the ’98 in Windows ’98 Stands For

The number of floppies it will ship on.

The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

The number of pages in the “EASY INSTALL” version of the manual.

The percentage of existing programs that won’t run in the new version.

The number of minutes to install.

The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.

The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.

The year it was due to ship.

The 98 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

Bill Gates’ age when it ships.

The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.

The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.

The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

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After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

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Olympic team

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

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Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code
5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen
Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

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Camping Hints

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

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