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Archive for May, 2014

The Troubled Church

What did the peaple say when they saw a church burning?

Holy Smoke!

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Satan Claus

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching
on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s
probably just your dad.”

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Link Rot…

Link Rot (noun)
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites
they’re connected to change location or die.
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You’re a wanker

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.Chris: ‘I reckon he’s an accountant. ‘ James: �No way – he’s a stockbroker. ‘ Chris: �He’s no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here. ‘ The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: ‘ ‘Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.’ Suit: �No offence taken. I’m a logical scientist by profession. ‘ Chris: ‘Yeah, so what’s that then. ‘ Suit: ‘I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?� Chris: ‘Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. ‘ Suit: `Well, it’s logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?’ Chris: ‘It’s in a pond’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?’ Chris: ‘As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?’ Chris: �As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.’ Suit: ‘well, given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you’re probably married.’ Chris: ‘Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.’ Chris: ‘Yep! Four nights a week. ‘ Suit: ‘Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?’ Chris: �Me? Never!’ Suit: ‘Well, there you are, that’s logical science at work.’ Chris: ‘How’s that then?’ Suit: ‘From finding out that you had a goldfish. I’ve told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. ‘Chris: ‘I ,see. That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate.’Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.James: ‘I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?’Chris: ‘Yep! He’s a logical scientist.’James: ‘What’s that then?’Chris: ‘I’ll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?’James: ‘Hope. ‘Chris: ‘Well then, you’re a wanker.’

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In The Offering

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

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Untitled joke

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

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Plane Ride

Michael Jackson was on a plane with the president, a librarian, and some kids. The pilot came out and said the plane was going to crash. He said there wasnt enough parachutes for everyone, but he was the pilot and had to drive other planes so he should live.
The president said, “im the president i have to run the country so i should live”
The librarian said, “theres 2 parachutes left, fuck the kids, save yourself”
Michael Jackson said, “i already did”

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Redneck

you know your a redneck if you go to mcdonalds to get your weekly supply of toilet paper

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Innuendo

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

An Italian suppository.

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When decanting wine, make sure

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

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Redneck Sex Ed

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.”Pop,” he drawled, “Ah’m jest not sure Ah know what t’do.” “It’s simple,” said his father.”Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.” Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

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Seal

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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