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Archive for June, 2014

Do What With Sheep

Somewhere over Australia…

The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. “I’m afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump.” advises the pilot.

The co-pilots says, “WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!”

“FUCK THE SHEEP!” replies the pilot.

“DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?” Steve Inquires.

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Box Of Condoms

A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend. The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.The blonde says “I thought they were only a dollar.”The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the tax.The blonde gets all wide eyed and says “Oh, is that how you keep em on?!”

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I went out with this

I went out with this girl who was so black,
when she got out of the car, the oil light came on.

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I never forget a face

I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.

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Say After Sex

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: “Thanks, Guys!”
A2: “Are you boys all in the same band?”
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?
A4: Who were all those guys?

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Stuttering Cat

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.

“Please explain, Johnny!”, replies the teacher. “Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he
could said, “Fuck off!”, the dog ate him!”

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Change machine

I came up with a great way to never lose money when I go to Las Vegas…

I keep playing the change machine!

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Letter from College

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date
now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you
are sitting down …

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three
headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to
live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a
very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I start to
show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion
and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from
passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This
will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will
welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well
educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than
ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t
mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him
as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know
… There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science, and I wanted you
to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and
Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

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Momma is so skinny

Your momma is so skinny she uses a fruit loop as a hula hoop

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World’s Worst Pick-up Lines…

World’s Worst Pick-up Lines…

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way right away.

I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I’ve seem to have lost mine.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

Guy: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Girl: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

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By the Lantern Light

The crofter’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

“Och!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern by…I think there’s yet another wee bairn to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light’s attracting them?”

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Ants

A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “Fucking ants,” with each smash.

The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. “What are you doing!?!?!” the priest shouts at the boy.

“I’m killing these fucking ants,” responds the boy.

Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. “My son, don’t you know that it is wrong to harm any of God’s creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants.”

The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, “But these ants don’t do anything. They just bother people.”

The priest responds, “Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose.”

One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same little boy sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same, “Fucking ants,” phrase.

The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, “My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?”

The boy looks up at the priest and says, “Yeah, I thought of three things that don’t have a purpose. Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking ants!”

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