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Archive for July, 2014

Paging John Edward

There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in
another life.

They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one
died, the other would attend a s�ance exactly four weeks later and contact the
other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow
and visits a s�ance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: “Is there anybody there? I’m seeking my deceased husband John. Is he
there?”

Strange, booming voice: “Mary? Is that you, Mary?”

Mary: “Yes John, is that you?”

John: “Yes, it’s me.”

Mary: “How are things where you are, John? What’s it like?”

John: “Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime,
which lasts about half-hour, and then we make love until dinner. After dinner,
we make love until we fall asleep. It’s great. I can’t wait until you get
here.”

Mary (shocked): “Is that what Heaven’s like?”

John: “I’m not in Heaven.”

Mary (fearing the worst): “Then where are you?”

John: “I’m a rabbit in Florida!”

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Clinton one-liner

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

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Superman and Friends

One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.

Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it”.

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.

Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it”

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”

So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that!?!”

The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”

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People that are really

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history.”
…George W. Bush

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Jack Kevorkian for White House

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

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Caned blond

what do you call a blond in a can
sex in a can

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A Bum’s Life

A man was walking in the city, when he was interrupted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“No. I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “Hey, man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf!”

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Answer from Heaven

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA”, hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; “Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.”

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how many animals can you

how many animals can you fit in a condom. i dont know how many . 2bulls 1snake and as many hares as you can count.

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Q: How many safety

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

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Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What is Clinton’s favorite war song?A: “Over Here”

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Beer lover

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub.

They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

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