Archive for August, 2014

Kiss Me The Way You Used To

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, “Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.” He did.

“Now kiss me the way you used to…”

“Now darling, bite me the way you used to.”

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, “Where are you going dear?”

“To get my teeth, dear,” the husband replied.

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Hear about the ninja that

Hear about the ninja that joined the army?…

.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…

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The Professor’s Brain

During one of a professer’s routine classes, he decided to raise
a controversial subject:

He stood in front of his class and said: “Can anyone hear God?
Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?” After a long pause,
the professor concluded: “Because none of you can hear, see, or
smell God, I conclude that there is no God.”

Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up.
“May I address the class directly?” he asked.

“Yes, you may,” the professor replied.

The student went to the front of the class and began: “Can
anyone hear the professor’s brain? Can anyone see the
professor’s brain? Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: “Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain.”

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High tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a
telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins
talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says, “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender
talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name

By the way, where is the men’s room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood,
the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy. The guy is
spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll
of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

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Staff reductions

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.

That night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.

Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Oh, jack-off” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

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London Transport

public transport are putting fairs up ie: tube fairs are going up an arm and a leg and london bus fairs are going thru the roof!!

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Bill Gates In Purgatory

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”
St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

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Reporter from Ohio heard about a church in eastern Kentucky that people there
held rattle snakes as a profession of faith. So he decided to check it out. he
went the following Sunday to the church and took his seat in the back row. Just
then the pastor came out with the 6 foot long rattle snakes and they began to
pass them down the rows. He began to sweat profusely and asked where the door
was to one of the usher. he replied ” Sir didn’t they tell ya that you can’t get
out while the church service it going on?” that make him even worse then he
asked “well then where is that back door?” and the usher replied “there aren�t
one.” “THEN WHERE DO YOU WANT ONE!?” yelled the reporter.

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The Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.

“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.

“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.

“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”

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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest…

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a
tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the
good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is
the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the
missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a
black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who
has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what s been
going on!”

The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an albino. Look to thy
yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black
one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say
anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.”

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Stick shift

“Darling,” a husband whispered to his wife late one night, “if I died, would you get married again?”

“I suppose so,” she replied.

“Would you sleep in the same bed with him?”

“Well, it’s the only bed in the house, so I have no choice.”

“Would you make love to him?”

“Honey,” the woman said patiently, “he would be my husband.”

“Would you give him my car?”

“No,” she yawned, “He can’t drive a stick shift.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

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Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on
the fire truck ready to go.

“From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I
want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all
night.” The next night he came home from work and yelled, “BELL 1!” The wife
promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “BELL 3!”,
they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!” “What the
hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband?


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