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Archive for June, 2015

Angels atop the christmas tree tradition

It was a starry night and the snowflakes drifted down gently.
The snowcrust sparkled in the lamplight at the North Pole.
Sleigh bells jingled in the distance. It was supposed to be a
happy time, but it wasn’t.

Santa was really pissed off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING
was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas
cookies. The elves were bitching about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys. And to top it all
off, the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were
completely useless. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one
of the runners. They were still stumbling around outside,
giggling and shaking their sleigh bells. Santa was redder than
usual with anger. He drank another slug of scotch, and then
bellowed, “I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all
my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don’t even
have a Christmas tree! AND I sent that stupid little angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What the
HELL am I going to do?”

Just at that moment, the little angel opened the front door and
stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree
behind him. He said, “Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick
the Christmas Tree this year?” And thus the tradition of angels
perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

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You have an Internet addiction when . . .

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.” You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

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Q&A

Q: What’s the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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Lawyers do it with appeal….

Lawyers do it with appeal.

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Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change…

Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
A. (Scream) IT JUST DOES!!

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Magical Sledgehammer

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told himto pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience wouldknow the sledgehammer was real.So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, “No way. It’ll probably kill you”. The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, “I’ll be fine. I promise you. Go ahead.” “Well,”, the man replied, “Ok, here goes.”Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician’s face.The result was very bloody. The magician’s nose was crushed, teeth fell out and blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, “Ta-da!”

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Cessna Crash In Poland

The worst disaster in Polands history happend today when two
seater Cessna 120 airplane crashed in a cemetery. So far, 326
bodies have been found. Polish search and rescue team believe
the number will rise as they continue to dig.

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Better Luck Next Tim

Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every so often, she has to stop
to breathe.

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Knock KnockWho’s there?Oswald!Oswald who?Oswald my

Knock KnockWho’s there?Oswald!Oswald who?Oswald my chewing gum!

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Singing for a wish

An old guy wanted to go on a vacation, but he didn’t have any
money at all. One day while looking around the house for some
cash, he found a magic lamp…when he rubbed it out came a
genie! The genie said for freeing him from his lamp, he will
give him 3 wishes. The old man’s first wish was that he wanted
$1,000,000…POOF! He had a $1,000,000. The second wish was that
he had the coolest convertable in the world…POOF! He had the
coolest convertable in the world. He said he’ll tell the genie
the third wish later. The genie was in the lamp in the backseat
of the convertable while the old guy was driving to the beach.
He turned on the radio…the old guy was so happy, he started
singing to the tune on the radio… “I WISH I were an Oscar
Meyer weinerrrrrr, the bestest weiner I can ever beeeeeee!”
POOF!!!

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It’s in the genes

How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

Pull down it’s GENES!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman

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