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Archive for January, 2016

An

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.

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Skydiving

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive?

So they dont whistle!

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The First Stone

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.

“He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.”

Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.

“Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!”

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Funny Speach

This is an actual speech that a student gave to the entire
student
body for a friend to help him get elected to the student
government association.

“I know a man who is firm — he’s firm in his pants, he’s firm
in his shirt, his character is firm. but most… of all his
belief in you, the students fo Bethel is firm.”

“Jeff is a man who takes his point and pounds it in — If
necessary, he’ll take an issue and nail it to the wall. He
doesn’t attack things in spurts. he drives hard — pushing and
pushing until finally — he succeeds.”

“Jeff is a man who will go to the very end — even the climax,
for each and every one of you.”

“So vote for jeff for ASB Vice President — he’ll never come
between you and the best our high school can be.”

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Murphy’s Law Corollary…

Murphy’s Law Corollary

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy’s Law Corollary

Mother nature is a bitch.
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What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton…

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??

An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.

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Clinton and the Genie

Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out
“I will grant you but one wish” the genie says.

Clinton thinks it over, and says, “I wish for peace in the middle east.”

“Where is that?” the genie asks.

Clinton pulls out a map and points to the mid-east.

“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long they’ve been fighting over there? There’s no way I can stop that! Pick another wish instead.”

Clinton thinks it over and says, “I wish that the American people wouldn’t make fun of me and my wife, and that I will be remembered as the best President of all time.”

The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

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Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem:

Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

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Climb

You know your in trouble when the tower say’s, “Climb like your life depends on it…because it does.”

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Lost while hunting

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, ‘If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.’ After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, ‘Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.’

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Corporate Lessons!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

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Man, the Lawn Mower

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

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