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Archive for March, 2016

I’d Love To But…

Next time you’re invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can’t attend:

I’D LOVE TO BUT…

… I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
… I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
… I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
… I have to fluff my shower cap.
… I have to fulfill my potential.
… I left my body in my other clothes.
… I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
… I’ll be looking for a parking space.
… I’m being deported.
… I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
… I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
… I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
… I’m sandblasting my oven.
… I’m taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
… I’m worried about my vertical hold.
… I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
… I’ve got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
… it’s too close to the turn of the century.
… my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
… my plot to take over the world is thickening.
… my subconscious says no.
… none of my socks match.
… the grunion are running.
… the last time I went, I never came back.
… the monsters haven’t turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

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Tomato

Why did Mrs.Tomatoe turn red ?
She saw Mr.Green Pea !

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Alcoholic Side-Effect

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Titanic

Your mama so fat she shunk the titanic

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Blonde Mechanics

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?” “Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”

“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?” “Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, “Oh, OK… How many times a week do I have to do that?”

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How to make a fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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Don’t eat with your mouth

Don’t eat with your mouth full.

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Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one
gets to the ground first?

Answer: The brunette… the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

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Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.So the bartender asks, �What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?�So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.55. Tell your roommate that it’s your birthday–every day.

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Airline A-Hole

During a busy Pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was
cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve
got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something
out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, “Do you have ANY idea who I am?” Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOWS WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.” With the
folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline
agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “Screw you.”

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to
stand in line for that, too.”

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Eatin Pizza

A man and his girlfriend were sitting in the backseat of his car, having some fun and things started to get hott and heavy. The man told the girl he wanted to finger her, but she said she was on her period and would be too embarrassed. It took some convincing, but finally she gave in. So he was goin at it when a policeman stuck his head through the open window and said “Whats going on in here?” The man quickly rubbed his finger around his lips and replied “Eatin Pizza!”

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